Question 6 for Rub
September 24, 2008

Helmet:  Where are you right now?

Rub:  At work.


Question 6 for Mrs. Ve
September 19, 2008

Helmet: Where are you right now?

Mrs. Ve:  At this moment? I am sitting at my desk at work in the Environmental Education Resource Center at Cal State University, San Bernardino, California, United States, North America, Northern Hemisphere, Plant Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.

Question 5 for L
September 18, 2008


L:  mostly green. (plain green is my main color).  sometimes wild blue yonder, orange yellow, jungle green or tan (like a toit tiger).

Question 5 for Rub
September 17, 2008


Rub:  Depends on the season, but my ass is always white.

Question 5 for Bunt
September 17, 2008


Bunt:  You know I’m PERIWINKLE but I also would enjoy being ATOMIC TANGERINE

Subject: Question 4 for Ando
August 14, 2008

Mud: Click on the speaker symbol next to the word “grizzle”

what do you think?

Ando:  I think I’m hungry after hearing the pronunciation.

Subject: Question 4 for Ace
August 14, 2008

Mud: Click on the speaker symbol next to the word “grizzle”

what do you think?

Ace:  A silver platter stacked high with burgers from Mc E D’s.

Subject: Doobage
August 12, 2008

III: Hey Doobage,How was your weekend? I hope it was decent.

Mud: Bro!

Weekend was very decent. How was yours?

Looking forward to Syl’s party this weekend. Lets do a Bronson this week.

III: Guy —

I had a great weekend. Hangin out with relatives and bodysurfing and drinking mainly.

Syl’s party is on Friday — correct?

Also, I wonder if we can score a dunk tank. I think I’m taking Friday off this week and am definitely game for bronnies at some point…

Mud: hombre,

yeah, syl’s is friday according to that email he sent out. Dunk tank!

III: Dude!

Wanna take Friday off and have a rage-a-liscious Thursday > Friday?? Time is running out on the Summer. Maybe get a crew to take Friday off??

How’s the Beirut game doing?

Dude! I got a sick drug rug yesterday. It’s so cool. It smells a little wacky though.

A dunk tank is $150 – $175. I need some concrete figures.

Mud: i’d like to but i don’t think i can… i’ll think about it tonight and see if it’s an option. i’d like to play some F’ing volleyball.

III: Dude — Let’s get some v-ball going then!

Question: Thinking about possibly getting tix for the Newport Folk Festival on Saturday. Trey is going to be there as one of the main acts, and I have a feeling some of the other “boyz” will be there to.

Do you have any interest?

Also, Feastage this weekend!

Mud: Bra,

Not a lot of interested in the Newp Folk Fest… Tons of interest in a volleyball sesh on saturday with possible feast interest. I could be persuaded to go to Newp if their were an extensive crew going, but again, very little interest on my part.

III: Man!

Hey Man, I’d be game for some volleyball > cookout > Feast. I was trying to gage some interest to see if others were interested in Newps. I’m really only interested in seeing Anastasio!

Question: Do you still consider yourself a member of the Jamband Community?

Mud: gustave,

i consider myself a retired member, yes. i don’t actively participate in many jamband events, however, i like to think that my everyday values are the same values shared by the jamband community.

what about you?

III: Meatball,

Yes, I am a member! I feel like part of being a member of the jamband community is going to see live music. (’s tagline is “Go see live music.”) Granted, I don’t see as much music as I’d like to see, but I get out there every now and then.

I feel like you’ve shunned the live music realm as of late. Nothing personal — just an observation.

Mud: you fucking bastard.

III: Hey!! Come on guy!! What do ya say!?!?! Hey!! Come on bra!

Subject: TurkeyFest 101
July 21, 2008


Muffler: Muff/Sr. – turkey, squash and at the least a 30 rack.

Let us know if you are coming cause we only own 4 plates, we’ll have to get some paper jobs.

This is a woman-friendly event.

Mission Statement:

C’s sox booze turkey

Subject: Warning!
July 17, 2008

David: Dear Friends,

I’d like to sound a warning! 7-11 is supposedly giving away free SLURPEES! Naturally, I was waiting in line this morning for my SLUPEE (they have terrible flavors these days), and when I finally went to get my SLURP on, I was more than irate to find out that they’re giving them away in containers ALMOST AS SMALL AS A DIXIE CUP!!! Let this be a warning!!! I was furious when I found this out and the first thing I thought I should do is alert my boys! Warning! Warning! You are much better off getting a BIG GULP!!!! Repeat: GET A BIG GULP!!!!

Keith: whoa! wow, good thing i checked my email before my noon 7/11 slurpee run! thanks for the heads up, david!

wow, what a great call!

friendly regards all around,



Dude! Thanks for the heads up bro! Thats what bro’s are for. Big gulps on me!

David: Howdy!

You guys hear that? BIG GULPS on Ron!!! You heard it!!!! I certainly heard it!!!!! What a guy goddamnit!!! Ron for President! BIG GULPS on him!!!!

Ron: I like the sounds of that! Hot Damn! I can see it now… a 7/11 on every corner and a BIG GULP in every hand. A nation united by BIG GULPS. No red states and blue states, just BIG GULP states.

Subject: Jim Caviezel
July 16, 2008

III: Bro — you in the mood to rap about our boy Jim Caviezel?

Helemt: AM I EVER!  what do you got?  let it be heard!

Jim “The Human Easel” Caviezel.

III: All I’m sayin is that “Caviez” knows what it’s about, where it’s coming from, and why it works as it does….

Ain’t that the truth? Jim Caviezal — I could go on for hours..

Helmet: The Veiz farts smell like roses and he shits gold.  If the Veiz were a car he’d be a red Ferrari fully equipped with machine guns and full of naked women. 

III: It’s been said that Jim Caviezel has dicks for arms, and an arm for a dick. The thing is, both are so goddamn powerful that nobody ever took notice of his condition.

They’d name a fruit juice after Jim Caviezel, but he could could give two fucks about fruits and juice. I’ll he drinks is breast milk. Jim Caviezel.

Jim Caviezel is good friends with Sandy Cohen.


Even more — Jim Caviezel made Ryan Atwood watch as he sixty-nined Marissa Cooper. Caviezel gets very loud when he sixty-nines (that’s fo sho!).


Helmet: jim caveizel once messed his pants once when on a trip to a jungle tribe in argentina.  the tribe is now named the caviezels and they walk around with shit in their pants daily.  if you are caught without shit (a.k.a the body of caveizal) in your pants you are beheaded on the spot.




III: skynard is killer at barbeques….

Subject: How Did You Spend Your Beerfest?
July 15, 2008


Helmet: How did you spend your Beerfest?

I woke up around 11: Drank a Modello

Went out to breakfast: Drank a Bloody

Went to my apartment and took a shower: Accompanied by a Bud.

Went to Bob’s Furniture: Prior to leaving a drank another Bud (Bob’s furniture could be the most disturbing place on earth.  It also turns out that it is Fester’s favorite furniture store).


Went to the liquor store and bought some bronson’s.


Went home and drank a six pack.


Lame Beerfest.  But, I thought of each and every one of you every time I cracked a brewski.


David: Howdy!! Greetings!!!


My Fest was nothing too wild — but I’ll fill you in — just in case you’re curious!


July 15, 2007


8:00 am – wake up, eat breakfast, newspaper, laundry, shave my head to look like a nazi.


9:45 am – swim at silvershell — chill there for approx 1.5 hours


11:30 am – Play golf with Yim, Gags, and Body (still no bronsons)


2:30? – Go to the Waav with Yim, Gags, T-Braman, and Bern and have a few. (Alas! Bronsonians!!!)


4:00? Have a bronson with my Ma, my aunt, and some other lady then go see little Bunty who is down at Silvershell


5:10? Come home – watch the end of the sox (have a bronson) pack up to head back to Boston


6-6:45 – Wait for E – read the paper – mow a burger (one last bronson)


8 – Arrive in Boston – unload – watch the movie Shooter starring Marky Mark – which turns out to be pretty heady!!


So, no serious sluggage — but a nice day nonetheless…

Subject: Tomorrow
July 8, 2008

Tubby Smalls:  So, what’s the deal, are we meeting pappy for lunch tomorrow at 2? Let me know, it’ll make the difference between whether or not i’ll allow myself to be hungover tomorrow and drink  a huge bottle of cheap Bourbon tonight, or if i’ll be sticking to harmless malt liquor.

OH! wait till you see my halloween costume. I spent all this past week staying in my studio till 1 am every night working on it. I’m going as an enormous jar of mayonnaise!!!

P Time: Just keep it simple with the 40 oz’s tonight homes….no need to push it.  You KNOW JC’s gonna try to get us drunk tomorrow too so let him have his fun…

What are you getting J for her bday??? I was thinking candy corn laced with anthrax….  sike—love that bitch.  Wanna go half’s on a new, shiny crack-piece for her though??

Holla back— La hermana.

Tubby Smalls: Aw man!  i made a giant chicken wire sculpture, plastered the living shit out of it while rockin’ out to the Cars, Cheap Trick and the Ramones [yeah! detroit rock!] in my studio for several hours, then just spent last night painting it to look like a jar of Hellman’s [obviously it’s hallowed out so i can get into it]. Hopefully it wont get destroyed while i’m off swilling sherry and screwing goats at some halloween party i’m going to later on. 

Ok, so i’ll only show up MILDLY hung over to lunch with dad. if i’m unshowered and wearing the same clothes as today, dont be alarmed…it doesnt mean i’m hungover, it just means i got laid and am making the walk of shame straight to lunch.  but you dont need to know about that little sis. 

So, for J’s birthday i got a really cheesy yet totally mad expensive bouquet of flowers and balloons to be delivered to her office on halloween. the good people of 1-800-FLOWERS wouldn’t allow me to include a card that says “J, you are a total homo for sending us an email about M being smart. CNN San Fransisco reports that our cousin’s husband who we barely see has learnt how to moleculate brain structures with the symbiosis of blah blah blah blah, and J is having a mild orgasm, yet again every time someone in the family takes a shit.” Nah I love that bitch too.

Although J didn’t care when i called her all freaked out and excited the other night when i found out that they just caught some broad who was a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army [the group of radicals from the early 70’s who kidnapped Patty Hearst] who has been living under an assumed identity in St. Paul Minnesota, having traded her “Power to the People” ways to marry a physician and be a homemaker in a huge tutor house in an affluent section of St Paul. This soccer mom is now facing the rest of her life to be spent in prison all for that pesky trying to blow up to LAPD cop cars with a pipe bomb thingee she was involved with.  J was all like “Some people were just so desperate for attention back then!” i was like “Shut up J! Why did you have to be such a square! I dont care if you did bumps at studio 54 in the 70’s! Why weren’t you dropping acid in 1968, hanging out with Peter Fonda on the Haight and joining the Manson Family or something?!?

I love J.

P Time:  Speaking of Charles Manson, what ever happened to that mustache you were working on??

Tubby Smalls: oh, you’re not gonna get to see the tub-stache, i totally got pissed and shaved that thing off yesterday. The moustache ride has been condemned and is being closed down.

Subject: Help
June 30, 2008

Imposter Ace:  I hope this message finds you in best of health. I had traveled to Nigeria for official purposes.  Unfortunately for me all my money was stolen at the hotel where I lodged, I am so confused right now, I don’t know what to do or where to go, I didn’t bring my phone here, I have access to only emails, Please can you send me $3000 today so I can return home, As soon as I get home I would refund it immediately. Write me so I can let you know how to send it.

Please keep this to your self only




Rub:  There’s something fishy going on here… I think you may have mentioned a trip to Nigeria, but if $ is what you need, please let me know how to send it.

Imposter Ace:  I am in Nigeria now, ok.  Please help me send the money today through western union with my information below.  will refund it once i get back to the states, ok.

Name: ACE

Address: 24 Peye Street, Bodija
City: Ibadan
State: Oyo
Country: Nigeria
Zip Code: 23402

Please use this test question and answer.
Question? Who Is Receiver?
Answer: Ace

Please email me with all the western details that I would need to have the money picked up this morning , ok.

Rub:  ok… answer me this.  What was the name of Sauvé’s pet ferret?  ok.

Real Ace:  good call bro it is a hoax someone hacked my junk

Subject: Question 1 for Noozle
June 27, 2008



this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Noozle: Airport

Helmet: Interesting. Your just really into airports or something? Is this for financial gain? Please comment. Thanks.

Noozle: Financial gain and for leisure I like to travel. If you owned an airport this woudl be easy and you would be mad rich.

Maybe I would just turn around, sell the airport and have mad loot, buy a nice house, invest mony to retire and take care of my self for a long time.

Why do you ask?? have you asked others? If so what were their answers

Subject: Question 1 for Ace
June 23, 2008


Helmet: IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE ?  this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Ace: Wings

Helmet: wings?  as in the grizzle? that’s okay if that is your real answer.  I’m recording people’s original answer and final answer.  you have the opportunity to revise (if you need to).

question 2 will arrive shortly.  your participation is appreciated.


Ace: no i mean really wings. like as a bird, just bigger ones so that i could fly. it might seem weird but I think it is cool.  does it have to be something truly attainable or could it be like… wings?

Subject: Making Out
June 20, 2008





Hey III,


My woman had a bad dream last night, see below an excerpt from our email:


we were at a party, actually it was my house i think,

or my parents house and it was super late

and some people were passed out, some still awake

and i was playing music on the computer or something

and then looked up and you were making out with someone

and i screamed HELMET!

and you popped up and it was III’s lady.

and i started frekaing out and screaming at both of you

what the fuck are you doing

over and over again

and you both just sat there drunk like oh shit oops


III: i think she forgot how it ends… (see below)


and then III took a switch blade and sliced up your neck in 20 different places

and then he took a shit on both of your faces

and then he started screaming, “you still wanna make out with him now, bitch?”

and he pissed on both of you and said “get the fuck outta my face!”


Subject: Cold Out There?
June 19, 2008



MH:  Cold out there?


BW:  Nah its probably like 65.  How is it there?  It bettah be hot when I get home!!


MH: why are you not coming home for the feast.  what are you a pecka head?


BW:  Well yes I am a peckahead.  I’m planning on going to Seattle that weekend.  It’s my mistake but I had no idea that this would be the most important PF in my lifetime when I booked my trip.


My Bad,



MH: be a man and fix your mistakes, boy.


what did you do last weekend?  i ate (fri to sun): fish tacos, lemon poppy seed muffin, steamers, crackers and cheese, homemade pizza, stuffed cohogs, chowder, lobster roll, chips, cherry cheesecake, eggs, sausage, e. muffin, watermelon, blueberries, banana bread, stuffed cohog, stuffed cohog, meatloaf, mashed potatoes.


pretty decent.


BW: Damn that sounds like an awesome weekend.  I played golf on Friday after work and then went go-carting/batting cages/arcade with Lloyd and his wife on Saturday.  I ate a bunch of bbq chicken, some salad, and a bunch off cheerios this weekend.  Nothing compared to your feast.  I need some quahogs.  Now I’m justbiding my time until I get back to mass for some linguica.  What’s going on for the 15 th?  I’ll be coming back from a wedding that morning but would love to blow it out Beerfest style. 


MH: not sure what’s going on for the 15th.  probably a rage fest of some sort, but again, i’m not sure.

Subject: Tough Loss
June 16, 2008


Lice: Tough loss last night – hopefully we can rebound tomorrow night. Here’s a little humor to cheer everyone up…

“Every day, a male co-worker of mine walks up to my friend Sally at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to the supervisor in the personnel department, and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The Woman replies, “He’s a midget.”

Subject: Question 1 for Sylvio
June 13, 2008



this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Sylvio:  I would want a magical map that anything that I drew on it would then really exist in real life.  For instance, first I would draw my house, then I would draw a baby red dragon around the corner of my house, then I would go outside and around the corner and there it would be, my own baby red dragon.  A baby red dragon is not what I would draw, it is just an example of something previously unattainable that would be mine with my new map.  After I did whatever it is that one would do with a baby red dragon, I would take out my eraser, any ordinary eraser would do (unless you wrote on the map in pen) and erase the dragon to make it go away.  Then I would draw a water balloon filled with throwup, and have it placed over the door of the guy that lives below me so when he went out his door it would fall on him and make him covered with throwup, and smelly.  This, a vomit filled water balloon, is not what I would want either but just another example of the powers of my map.  I would most likely, with the help of the map, become a superhero, “Mapito” and I would win every supermarket shopping spree ever because I would draw myself at the finish line before the other contestants.

Helmet:  Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.  It sounds like you don’t know what you want, but rather that you want a device that can give you what you want when you decide that you want something.

Please clarify Syl, and please, as always – keep it simple.

Sylvio:  Lifelong Happiness or the undending ability to invent words with the suffix:  “a-roni”.

Helmet:  Decent!

Subject: Question 1 for III
June 12, 2008


this is a serious question so think about it before you answer. 

III: probably an eternal happy life……why??? and why so serious????
And what about you? And how was the party last night?


Helmet: re: your answer: those are two things (1. eternal life, 2. happy life). do you mean happiness for the rest of your life? please revise…

re: why: just curious.
re: me: i don’t know.
re: party: didn’t happen.
re: bronsons: i like when bronsons are on you.
how was your party?

III: No party for me. I was feeling a little under the weather, and was asleep by like 8:00.


It’s a tough question here, but I would want eternal life, unless I was a vegetable in some form. Then I wouldn’t want eternal life. So……it would probably be a humongous bowl of stew.

Wait, wait, wait… may not be that.

Probably it’s eternal happiness…….for everyone. (Which could just be a bowl of stew!) Who knows? Everything is connected bro…….

Helmet: eternal happiness for everyone is your final answer. thank you.

no party for me either. i was going to get a brewHA with noosle lebowski but he got to my house and made an executive decision to drink beers at onset’s instead of going to the bars. i declined.
C Men tonight!!

Subject: Seasons
June 9, 2008

email-icon.jpg (from the archive)

C’s:  2007-2008 Seasons are Now Available.

Muff: Who is this Fellow??   What happened to our boy Brian?


Sr: I don’t know, and I don’t care if someone is peddling seasons to me it may as well be an irish chick.  are we going to just pick 12 games?  or do the package?


III: Brian is probably in Laguna Beach hanging out with that dude Talan.


Brian is a chill motherfuck…


Muff: damn straight he’s a bad mother Fer fo sho.  I think we should do 9-10 games, picking them.  instead of the package.


Sr: i agree, maybe we should call this chick and explain what were up to.  we should probably try to get close to courtside seats for one game, for example, if they play the nj nets.


Mud: oh, this is a chick, definitely screw her than.


lets just get the press table seats.


Muff: What do you guys think is the best way to lure Tony into coming to a C’s game with us?

Talk amongst yourselves…


Personally, I’d use a Full Live Catfish


III: Garfield eats mad Catfish —


It’s a metaphor for extremely loose pussy…


This chick probably has a pretty loose one.


God, I miss Brian!


Mud: we could tell him lander is there.  retribution!


III: How was the rest of Turkey last night?


Mud: it was fun.  didn’t get home till about 2 and i got pretty stewed.  had a good time though.

how was the rest of your night?


III: It was alright. Er didn’t take to kindly to my brief dancing episode.


Did anyone ever start “dancing out?”


I was pretty “tanked.” The bedroom smelled very “funny” this morning.


III: What we should be talkin about is Pats tickets…


Mud: touche.  we are already 1.5 hours into the season.


Muff: Catfish and Pats!     IRATE  landers,  landers!!!


Muff: what do you guys got going this weekend?


Mud: who’s going to the feast?  can we discuss this at the feast?


III: I’m gettin my shlong all old and dirty…  Were people dancing? Were you dancing?


Muff: The Feast of the Blessed Sacrament? 


Mud: you know what fucking feast, muffler!  the FBS.


Sr: i think the better question is who isn’t going to the feast and if not what’s your excuse. 


i think if we could get tom the bartender scheduled on a friday and stage a live catfish game against the raptors with arch nemesis lander, tony would be in.


III: The Feast is where you go to pork broads.




Muff: The very popular Budweiser Beer is sold on tap throughout the Feast grounds.



 lez zeplin


III: I wouldn’t mind having my dick rot in one of those musicians…


Mud: jesus.  you are in a vulgar mood, huh?


III: I was just jokin about having my Roni rot. Here’s a picture of the head of the feast:



Mud: foook!  i can’t see him/her


III: The Feast head is chill, you can find him under the Photo page on the feast website.


And yes, I’m vulgair — GET OVER IT!




Mud: really?  cool.  don’t meow me.  I’m getting a burger for lunch.


III: We’re having a pizza party @ work!! We have a two slice limit policy. If we go over the limit we have to start paying.


This emailing session is great, isn’t it.


Mud: that’s a weird pizza party, no?




III: I was just jokin about the policy. Really, everyone is going to be crazy and dance. My goof-level is off the charts right now. “meow”


“It’s so hard…. to say goodbye….to yesterday.”

– Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD (The East Coast Family)


Mud: you got me.


i like your little quote there.  dancing pizza party, huh?  can you take a photo on your phone and send it to me?


III: misquoted the song. I have fixed it though. Have you ever made out with a chick in a closet at work?


“It’s so hard…. to say goodbye….to yesterday…..eeeeeee.”

Subject: Dude
June 6, 2008


Helmet:  Dude, You must have popped wood for the entire game last night.

Dude, let me know if you need a ride home.  Also, dude, please remember to bring that ticket for me.  And dude, as previously mentioned, please let me know about the ride dude, we will be leaving around 3pm, dude, so let me know.

Ok dude, talk to you later,


III:  Dude — I had an orgasm at the game.  Orgasm.

I’m hopping on a train home shortly.  Be in touch!

Subject: Vunk (more mine vs. yours emails)
June 6, 2008



Your little weiner: 

My mega humongous weiner:


My roni:

Your roni:

Helmet:  Oh no you didn’t!!!!!!



Tubesteak:  Yes!! Yes!!!!




there’s you:

and there’s me:






















Helmet:  What the hell?

Tubesteak: you’re the chinese dude, and I’m the dude on the beach.  Now – back to the pictures please….

Helmet: hahahahahahaha










Subject: From SI’s Mock Draft
June 5, 2008


Sr30. Boston

Another team who wants to swing with a player who falls but can’t find a dance partner. When that occurs, the Red Sox tend to save their high-risk picks until after the first round, and play it safe early. Even though they have a good left-handed bullpen arm in Hideki Okajima, Arizona’s Daniel Schlereth would be the best college reliever still on the board, and his power stuff makes him possibly closer-worthy and anything but a one-sided specialist. The son of former NFL player and television analyst Mark Schlereth, he’s built like a bulldog and brings a gridiron mentality to the mound. More importantly, his velocity was up to 97 mph, and his slider was a true wipeout offering.

Selection: Daniel Schlereth, LHP, Arizona

Helmet: that sounds decent.  Bunt pops wood over schelereth.

Bunt: OH MY GOD!!I would lose my shit if we got Schelereth!!!  Can somebody get me a Bosox jersey with Schelereth on the back???

Muffler: my poop is on the floor.  sports! 

Subject: Sox Tix 6/17
June 4, 2008


Denver: tix for the sox have landed on 6/17. 8 seats together. should be a good scene.

Sr: i’m in holmes as is Bunt.

Helmet: i’m interested in 2.  i’ve emailed a couple people as well, but i haven’t heard back yet…  how’d you get them?

Bunt: That is sick!  Great work Ver!  I know K wants to go and I hope all the other knuckleheads will go too.  KC is no walk in the park,

Denver: I hear Kelsey is gonna be outta town. What a Pecka!!!

Helmet: loss of major pecka head points for him.

Kelsey: crap!  but i will be doing Brewers game that night….1/2 those P-head points back?

Sr: Only if you complete the grand slam: Brat, Polish, Chourizo, Hot Dog

Kelsey: Done!   ( didn’t ethan say there was a mystery fifth tubed meat?)

Denver: Kelsey, you’ll always be a “wood-peckin-pecka-wood” in my book.

Kelsey: C’s SEASONS!!!

Bunt: Go for the SLAM Muffler!!!!  MILWAUKEE

Subject: Letter to C’s – I’d love feedback before I send
June 3, 2008

email-icon.jpg (from the archive)

III: Dear __________,
I’ve been described as a foul-smelling wheel of cheese, cheap beer in human form, a junior varsity ladies man, and a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but I’ve never been displeased with my circumstances until I found myself in the dilemma I’m about to describe.
Contrary to my somber introduction, I’m a man of optimistic standing, and with the Celtics’ acquisitions of two distinguished thoroughbreds, my enthusiasm had been spewing more than it ever had in my life. With the fresh tone of green gracing the parquet, we were playoff ordained—myself, my boys, the new Big Three, and the rest of the C’s contingent.
Indeed, I’m an intractable Celtics devotee—the Tyrannosaurus Rex of fans. Ferocious in allegiance, raging in commitment, I’m an intensely focused predator. My prey? Championship number 17.
Further fueling my T-Rex-like fury is the fact that last season ended at the opposite extreme of success. Having purchased a 12-game package, we got a peek at the “youth movement” that warranted some notice, but more so, tested our patience. When the Celtics landed Ray Allen, and later Kevin Garnett, salvation had finally presented itself in all its decency.
But decent it wasn’t, for me and my boys. With limited finances, season tickets were out of the question. And on the day that this season’s 12-game packages went on sale, not a plan was presented that fit our budgets. Apparently, tickets have been snapped up like one-cent hamburgers—and with this feeding frenzy of your more moneyed clientele, some of your most passionate fans of modest means appear to be rendered insignificant.
What chafes me even more is that the product that the organization bestowed upon us last season performed contrary to the purpose of basketball—that is, trying to win basketball games. So, while we sat high up in the far corners of a lifeless Garden, we remained content, even if a tad disappointed. Besides, we were at ease because next season was half-a-year away—and there was no question that we’d be there to witness a reawakening of sports’ most legendary franchise.
So when the sale of 12-game packages came and went without being able to secure access to the most enjoyable part of our year, gloom, depression, and absolute misery shrouded our normally upbeat way of thinking.
Out of options, and out of positive escapes, my boys and I turn to you for solace. We seek redemption as well as liberation—much in the same way our heroes in green do as they prepare for the 07-08 season of renaissance. We want to be there. We need to be there. Is there any way you can take us to the paradise’s Garden to witness what we’ve been waiting so long for? We’ll take any road presented to us—oozing green blood along the way—riding the roller coaster of promise that we love and identify as the Boston Celtics.
(Signed etc…)

Helmet: ummmmmm, you are completely out of your mind…but i like it.

Sr: i knew you were crazy, but this is brilliance.  should we forward on to the other “seasons holders” for review?

III: Wait, how come I’m crazy?  Out of my mind? Please elaborate…

Sr: did you read what you just sent us?  you’re a cunning linguist, but that’s the only response this letter is going to generate from anyone.  hahaha.  i think it would be better if you could work the word “roni” in there.  something like “when i reach into my deep pockets all i get is a handful of roni.”


III: I tried to make it unconventional — in order for the folks at the C’s to at least take notice. I also tried to appear as down and out devoted fan.
Thanks for your feedback. I ask that you not pass this along.
Also, it would be great if you guys could write a letter too.

III: You guys may be happy to hear that the kind people working for the celtics are trying to land some tickets for me!!!!!

Sr: haha, who did you send your letter to?

Helmet: what do you mean?

III: I mean they’re hooking me up with a deal…

Helmet: why so vague?  do you have info?  did you email your letter to someone?  what did they say?  what kind of deal are they giving you? 

III: Hey guys, I’m still wondering why you think I’m crazy and out of my mind. Please let me know.

Sr: what kind of tix did you get?  how much?

Helmet: i think you’re crazy bec you referred to yourself as the “t-rex” of c’s fans, and because of basically everything else you wrote.  that’s not to say, however, that i don’t like it – or that it won’t work.  still:  you are crazy. 
any word from that chick or “pc” yet?

III: I heard from PC, who wants me to call him up when I have a moment.
Helmet, do you have interest in tix for a discounted price?

III: Easy boy — I’m sure they’ll be better seats and much cheaper than you guys got scammed into paying!

Sr: just take it easy, you’ll get your “discount” that’s not “too low” and i’m going to get the same one.

Helmet: i think so, yeah.  let me know what PC says.  call me tonight.  this is great.

Subject: Penis Enlarger
May 28, 2008


Sylvio: Hernandez,
Did you send me that card?  I suspect that it was you.  I get my mail at the post office via PO box, so when I opened my box and took it out there was alot of people around.  I was like “what the fuck is this?”, “I didn’t order any penis enlarger!”  and then I read on the back that their “records indicated that I had a extremely small penis”  and I knew that it must be a hoax.  Good one, watch your back….

Hernandez: Sylvio,
I know nothing of this card regarding your miniscule “willy.” I don’t know why you would blame me for that, as I am not in possession of any cards that have penis enlargers on them. Here I am, thinking our relationship is amazing after some heady email exchanges, and you drop this bombshell on me. What gives?

Sylvio: Hernandez,

Have you realized that someone who is Mexican, or anyone who is fluent in Spanish for that matter, would pronounce your name with a silent “H”.  That would make phoneticly “air-nan-dez”, which after a temporary period getting used to, would be shortened to “air”, which is “ver”-y close to “Ver” your previous name. Is this coincidence, or your true style showing itself in another form?  Although, maybe you intend for it to be shortened to “Dez” or “Nan”.  “Nan” is where the accent is after all.

Line, Angle, Circle, Ve’

Hernandez: Syl,
It was me who sent the postcard!!! You probably knew that already. I got a bunch of them, for things such as shipments of Viagra, hemeroid cream, and blow-up dolls. You are the first I’ve heard to get one, which is disheartening, because I sent the rest out to people around here, and a few days before I sent yours. I think that the address label makes decent.
Funny about your last email – If I shortened up Hernandez, I’d like to be called “Hern”….kind of like a Grecian Urn.
Pronoun, Preposition, Adverb, Hernandez

Subject: A Desperate Plea
May 27, 2008


Tubesteak: I write to you with extreme regret and uncertainty of my future.  It’s astonishing that I am even typing this email in lieu of recent events that have happened to me.  Unbeknownst to laws of matter and creation, I have somehow morphed into a chicken patty.

Let me begin by saying that I had a chicken patty for lunch yesterday, after my roommate, Helmet, explicitly ordered me to stay away from the aforementioned chicken patties.  You see, they were his chicken patties, and not mine.

I woke up this morning to find that my bed sheets had turned into a bun, most likely from Pepperidge Farm.  I can’t be sure of this, but by the texture and softness of the bun, I believe them to be Pepperidge Farm.

My penis has vanished, not to mention my arms and legs.  I have essentially become a round, golden brown patty, with no discernible features from my previous existence.

I can think and reason much like a rational human, but with no way to express these thoughts, I am, as I used to say to my sister, trapped like a rat.

Until it hit me.

If there was some way to get in touch with The Honorable Bunt, there may be a way out of this life.  So I write to you looking for answers and looking for hope. 

Bunt, I don’t want to be a chicken patty for the rest of my life!  What should I do?  What if I get eaten?  What if my girl dumps me?  What if I can’t boof anymore?

I will wait eagerly for your response, because for some reason, I feel that you can get me out of this.  And if worst comes to worst, maybe you could coach me in living life as a chicken patty.  Please get back to me soon. 

Also, let me know what you’re up to.


Tube “the chicken patty man” Steak

Subject: Dot
May 23, 2008


Helmet: What are the chances that Noozle comes back from India with a dot on his forehead?

Tubesteak: Slightly under 100 percent.
I’d say chances are better that he’s sporting a robe and turban…

Helmet: yeah, maybe.  i was totally picturing sylvio with a turban, his woman in the robe and noozle with the causal dot on his forehead.

Bunt: I can picture the Nooseman chillin on an elephant with Ve’s woman, both wearing robes and turbans with the Nooseman sporting the casual dot and a fake mustache.  And right below them Tarzan Sylvio hunting the Indian woods for the Siberian Tiger.

I hope they come back married.  Aren’t they with a blind guy too?

Helmet: blind indian sherpa, dotted nooseman, elephant, robes, turbans, tarzan, siberian tiger. 
if they AREN’T married (on some level) i’d be surprised.  they probably have a formal psychedelic, metaphysical “partnership” it place.

Bunt: They are definitely in the midst of some sort of metaphysical partnership!  I also agree that Nooseman is attracting to anyone with vision problems regardless of their sex.  Wait does this mean that he is attracted to Tarzan?  Or does his laser eye surgery make him unattractive to the Nooseman?  I need answers 

TubesteaK: As far as I can tell, the laser has exonerated Tarzan from Noozle’s intercourse wish-list.
Back in the day… Ve’ was on the wish-list.

Bunt: Didn’t they hook-up in high school?  Or was that the Body and Tarzan??

Helmet: the bod and tarzan had feuds in HS; i believe over wages the body owed tarzan.
i can’t see them hooking up but i could be wrong on this issue.

Bunt: Maybe that’s why they had fueds……

I love how Nooseman is a freak for the visually impaired!!  This is a great discovery on our part

Tubesteak: They’ve definitely hooked up. They may den it to their graves, but I know something went down that fateful night in the woods…

Helmet: the night in the woods behind my house?

one word for you gentlemen: magical.