Question 6 for Ace
September 19, 2008

Helmet: Where are you right now?

Ace:  Somewhere after sleep but before dreaming.

Helmet:  Poetic.

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Subject: A Desperate Plea
May 27, 2008

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Tubesteak: I write to you with extreme regret and uncertainty of my future.  It’s astonishing that I am even typing this email in lieu of recent events that have happened to me.  Unbeknownst to laws of matter and creation, I have somehow morphed into a chicken patty.

Let me begin by saying that I had a chicken patty for lunch yesterday, after my roommate, Helmet, explicitly ordered me to stay away from the aforementioned chicken patties.  You see, they were his chicken patties, and not mine.

I woke up this morning to find that my bed sheets had turned into a bun, most likely from Pepperidge Farm.  I can’t be sure of this, but by the texture and softness of the bun, I believe them to be Pepperidge Farm.

My penis has vanished, not to mention my arms and legs.  I have essentially become a round, golden brown patty, with no discernible features from my previous existence.

I can think and reason much like a rational human, but with no way to express these thoughts, I am, as I used to say to my sister, trapped like a rat.

Until it hit me.

If there was some way to get in touch with The Honorable Bunt, there may be a way out of this life.  So I write to you looking for answers and looking for hope. 

Bunt, I don’t want to be a chicken patty for the rest of my life!  What should I do?  What if I get eaten?  What if my girl dumps me?  What if I can’t boof anymore?

I will wait eagerly for your response, because for some reason, I feel that you can get me out of this.  And if worst comes to worst, maybe you could coach me in living life as a chicken patty.  Please get back to me soon. 

Also, let me know what you’re up to.

Sincerely,

Tube “the chicken patty man” Steak