Question 6 for Ace
September 19, 2008

Helmet: Where are you right now?

Ace:  Somewhere after sleep but before dreaming.

Helmet:  Poetic.

Question 5 for L
September 18, 2008

Helmet:  WHAT COLOR ARE YOU? http://www.crayola.com/colorcensus/history/chronology.cfm

L:  mostly green. (plain green is my main color).  sometimes wild blue yonder, orange yellow, jungle green or tan (like a toit tiger).

Question 5 for Rub
September 17, 2008

Helmet:  WHAT COLOR ARE YOU?  http://www.crayola.com/colorcensus/history/chronology.cfm

Rub:  Depends on the season, but my ass is always white.

Question 5 for Bunt
September 17, 2008

Helmet:  WHAT COLOR ARE YOU?  http://www.crayola.com/colorcensus/history/chronology.cfm

Bunt:  You know I’m PERIWINKLE but I also would enjoy being ATOMIC TANGERINE

Subject: Question 4 for Ando
August 14, 2008

Mud: Click on the speaker symbol next to the word “grizzle” http://www.thefreedictionary.com/grizzle

what do you think?

Ando:  I think I’m hungry after hearing the pronunciation.

Subject: Question 4 for Ace
August 14, 2008

Mud: Click on the speaker symbol next to the word “grizzle” http://www.thefreedictionary.com/grizzle

what do you think?

Ace:  A silver platter stacked high with burgers from Mc E D’s.

Subject: Doobage
August 12, 2008

III: Hey Doobage,How was your weekend? I hope it was decent.

Mud: Bro!

Weekend was very decent. How was yours?

Looking forward to Syl’s party this weekend. Lets do a Bronson this week.

III: Guy —

I had a great weekend. Hangin out with relatives and bodysurfing and drinking mainly.

Syl’s party is on Friday — correct?

Also, I wonder if we can score a dunk tank. I think I’m taking Friday off this week and am definitely game for bronnies at some point…

Mud: hombre,

yeah, syl’s is friday according to that email he sent out. Dunk tank!

III: Dude!

Wanna take Friday off and have a rage-a-liscious Thursday > Friday?? Time is running out on the Summer. Maybe get a crew to take Friday off??

How’s the Beirut game doing?

Dude! I got a sick drug rug yesterday. It’s so cool. It smells a little wacky though.

A dunk tank is $150 – $175. I need some concrete figures.

Mud: i’d like to but i don’t think i can… i’ll think about it tonight and see if it’s an option. i’d like to play some F’ing volleyball.

III: Dude — Let’s get some v-ball going then!

Question: Thinking about possibly getting tix for the Newport Folk Festival on Saturday. Trey is going to be there as one of the main acts, and I have a feeling some of the other “boyz” will be there to.

Do you have any interest?

Also, Feastage this weekend!

Mud: Bra,

Not a lot of interested in the Newp Folk Fest… Tons of interest in a volleyball sesh on saturday with possible feast interest. I could be persuaded to go to Newp if their were an extensive crew going, but again, very little interest on my part.

III: Man!

Hey Man, I’d be game for some volleyball > cookout > Feast. I was trying to gage some interest to see if others were interested in Newps. I’m really only interested in seeing Anastasio!

Question: Do you still consider yourself a member of the Jamband Community?

Mud: gustave,

i consider myself a retired member, yes. i don’t actively participate in many jamband events, however, i like to think that my everyday values are the same values shared by the jamband community.

what about you?

III: Meatball,

Yes, I am a member! I feel like part of being a member of the jamband community is going to see live music. (Jambase.com’s tagline is “Go see live music.”) Granted, I don’t see as much music as I’d like to see, but I get out there every now and then.

I feel like you’ve shunned the live music realm as of late. Nothing personal — just an observation.

Mud: you fucking bastard.

III: Hey!! Come on guy!! What do ya say!?!?! Hey!! Come on bra!

Subject: TurkeyFest 101
July 21, 2008

 
  

Muffler: Muff/Sr. – turkey, squash and at the least a 30 rack.

Let us know if you are coming cause we only own 4 plates, we’ll have to get some paper jobs.

This is a woman-friendly event.

Mission Statement:

C’s sox booze turkey

Subject: Warning!
July 17, 2008

David: Dear Friends,

I’d like to sound a warning! 7-11 is supposedly giving away free SLURPEES! Naturally, I was waiting in line this morning for my SLUPEE (they have terrible flavors these days), and when I finally went to get my SLURP on, I was more than irate to find out that they’re giving them away in containers ALMOST AS SMALL AS A DIXIE CUP!!! Let this be a warning!!! I was furious when I found this out and the first thing I thought I should do is alert my boys! Warning! Warning! You are much better off getting a BIG GULP!!!! Repeat: GET A BIG GULP!!!!

Keith: whoa! wow, good thing i checked my email before my noon 7/11 slurpee run! thanks for the heads up, david!

wow, what a great call!

friendly regards all around,

keith.

Ron: HOLY FUCKING SHIT ASS SON OF A BITCH DONKEY TWAT MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude! Thanks for the heads up bro! Thats what bro’s are for. Big gulps on me!

David: Howdy!

You guys hear that? BIG GULPS on Ron!!! You heard it!!!! I certainly heard it!!!!! What a guy goddamnit!!! Ron for President! BIG GULPS on him!!!!

Ron: I like the sounds of that! Hot Damn! I can see it now… a 7/11 on every corner and a BIG GULP in every hand. A nation united by BIG GULPS. No red states and blue states, just BIG GULP states.

Subject: Jim Caviezel
July 16, 2008

III: Bro — you in the mood to rap about our boy Jim Caviezel?

Helemt: AM I EVER!  what do you got?  let it be heard!

Jim “The Human Easel” Caviezel.

III: All I’m sayin is that “Caviez” knows what it’s about, where it’s coming from, and why it works as it does….

Ain’t that the truth? Jim Caviezal — I could go on for hours..

Helmet: The Veiz farts smell like roses and he shits gold.  If the Veiz were a car he’d be a red Ferrari fully equipped with machine guns and full of naked women. 

III: It’s been said that Jim Caviezel has dicks for arms, and an arm for a dick. The thing is, both are so goddamn powerful that nobody ever took notice of his condition.

They’d name a fruit juice after Jim Caviezel, but he could could give two fucks about fruits and juice. I’ll he drinks is breast milk. Jim Caviezel.

Jim Caviezel is good friends with Sandy Cohen.

 

Even more — Jim Caviezel made Ryan Atwood watch as he sixty-nined Marissa Cooper. Caviezel gets very loud when he sixty-nines (that’s fo sho!).

 

Helmet: jim caveizel once messed his pants once when on a trip to a jungle tribe in argentina.  the tribe is now named the caviezels and they walk around with shit in their pants daily.  if you are caught without shit (a.k.a the body of caveizal) in your pants you are beheaded on the spot.

moe.

III:

Helmet:

III: skynard is killer at barbeques….

Subject: Letter to C’s – I’d love feedback before I send
June 3, 2008

email-icon.jpg (from the archive)

III: Dear __________,
 
I’ve been described as a foul-smelling wheel of cheese, cheap beer in human form, a junior varsity ladies man, and a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but I’ve never been displeased with my circumstances until I found myself in the dilemma I’m about to describe.
 
Contrary to my somber introduction, I’m a man of optimistic standing, and with the Celtics’ acquisitions of two distinguished thoroughbreds, my enthusiasm had been spewing more than it ever had in my life. With the fresh tone of green gracing the parquet, we were playoff ordained—myself, my boys, the new Big Three, and the rest of the C’s contingent.
 
Indeed, I’m an intractable Celtics devotee—the Tyrannosaurus Rex of fans. Ferocious in allegiance, raging in commitment, I’m an intensely focused predator. My prey? Championship number 17.
 
Further fueling my T-Rex-like fury is the fact that last season ended at the opposite extreme of success. Having purchased a 12-game package, we got a peek at the “youth movement” that warranted some notice, but more so, tested our patience. When the Celtics landed Ray Allen, and later Kevin Garnett, salvation had finally presented itself in all its decency.
 
But decent it wasn’t, for me and my boys. With limited finances, season tickets were out of the question. And on the day that this season’s 12-game packages went on sale, not a plan was presented that fit our budgets. Apparently, tickets have been snapped up like one-cent hamburgers—and with this feeding frenzy of your more moneyed clientele, some of your most passionate fans of modest means appear to be rendered insignificant.
 
What chafes me even more is that the product that the organization bestowed upon us last season performed contrary to the purpose of basketball—that is, trying to win basketball games. So, while we sat high up in the far corners of a lifeless Garden, we remained content, even if a tad disappointed. Besides, we were at ease because next season was half-a-year away—and there was no question that we’d be there to witness a reawakening of sports’ most legendary franchise.
 
So when the sale of 12-game packages came and went without being able to secure access to the most enjoyable part of our year, gloom, depression, and absolute misery shrouded our normally upbeat way of thinking.
 
Out of options, and out of positive escapes, my boys and I turn to you for solace. We seek redemption as well as liberation—much in the same way our heroes in green do as they prepare for the 07-08 season of renaissance. We want to be there. We need to be there. Is there any way you can take us to the paradise’s Garden to witness what we’ve been waiting so long for? We’ll take any road presented to us—oozing green blood along the way—riding the roller coaster of promise that we love and identify as the Boston Celtics.
 
(Signed etc…)

Helmet: ummmmmm, you are completely out of your mind…but i like it.

Sr: i knew you were crazy, but this is brilliance.  should we forward on to the other “seasons holders” for review?

III: Wait, how come I’m crazy?  Out of my mind? Please elaborate…

Sr: did you read what you just sent us?  you’re a cunning linguist, but that’s the only response this letter is going to generate from anyone.  hahaha.  i think it would be better if you could work the word “roni” in there.  something like “when i reach into my deep pockets all i get is a handful of roni.”

Helmet: hahah.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHA.

III: I tried to make it unconventional — in order for the folks at the C’s to at least take notice. I also tried to appear as down and out devoted fan.
 
Thanks for your feedback. I ask that you not pass this along.
 
Also, it would be great if you guys could write a letter too.

III: You guys may be happy to hear that the kind people working for the celtics are trying to land some tickets for me!!!!!
 
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sr: haha, who did you send your letter to?

Helmet: what do you mean?

III: I mean they’re hooking me up with a deal…

Helmet: why so vague?  do you have info?  did you email your letter to someone?  what did they say?  what kind of deal are they giving you? 

III: Hey guys, I’m still wondering why you think I’m crazy and out of my mind. Please let me know.

Sr: what kind of tix did you get?  how much?

Helmet: i think you’re crazy bec you referred to yourself as the “t-rex” of c’s fans, and because of basically everything else you wrote.  that’s not to say, however, that i don’t like it – or that it won’t work.  still:  you are crazy. 
 
any word from that chick or “pc” yet?

III: I heard from PC, who wants me to call him up when I have a moment.
 
Helmet, do you have interest in tix for a discounted price?

III: Easy boy — I’m sure they’ll be better seats and much cheaper than you guys got scammed into paying!
 
WHAT!?!?!

Sr: just take it easy, you’ll get your “discount” that’s not “too low” and i’m going to get the same one.

Helmet: i think so, yeah.  let me know what PC says.  call me tonight.  this is great.

Subject: Tastiest
May 13, 2008

email-icon.jpg

Helmet:  i’m listening to a ray lamontagne concert on NPR. the anouncer just commented on the drumming as such; “that is some of the tastiest drumming i have ever seen”

tasty is heady.

Tubesteak: tasty nuggets!! It’s funny you say that, cause I just downloaded some of that dude’s music the other day

Helmet:  WOW, that’s tasty.

Tubesteak:  I imagine “The Maine Slop-Out” will be pretty tasty too!

Helmet:  it’s gonna be one tasty slop fest.

Tubesteak:  I’m sweating (in an erotic way) just thing about it…mmmmm TASTAY!!

Helmet:  i’m listening to some tasty shit right now.  not as tasty as trey, but tasty nonetheless.

Tubesteak:  tasty sounds like something trey and his groupies might say.  My girl has a foot fetish.

Subject: The Story of Creation
May 12, 2008

email-icon.jpg

III:  Before I get into this, please, don’t be offended.  This is simply my version of the creation story.  Everyone has their own version………

It all began about a few hours ago when I woke up humping my bed trying to close out the tail end of my now nightly wet dream.  Unable to seal the deal, and hearing my mother and sister walking around, I silently prayed for meaties.  Much to my dismay, the craving was thrown right back in my face.  When I told others that I needed meaties, my mom and sister both said at the same time, “Cook your fuckin own meaties!”

With my johnson finally getting shorter, I decided it was time to walk around.  I looked at my mother and sister and smiled.  If they weren’t cooking me meaties, then I was gonna stink up the house.  “I’m stinkin up this joint,” I told them.  “Do you hear me?  I’m gonna fuckin stink this god damn joint up!”

With me looking conflict straight in the eye, I defiantly marched into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me.  “Fuck yes!!!!” I screamed.

My doo doo came in bunches.  Different shapes and sizes, even different textures.  There was no corn though.  Regardless, having to wipe would be no easy task.  My bumbum was covered in the previously mentioned waste, not to mention the toilet water that resulted from my doo doo’s velocity.

Taking great care with each wipe, I realized that I wasn’t quite finished, and sat back down on the toilet.  “Get the fuck outta there!” I heard coming from outside the bathroom.

Again, I began to wipe and wipe and wipe, until finally, on my seventh wipe I discovered a revelation.  My doo doo remains looked exactly like……what was it…..OH YES!  Now I see.  It was American Idol Judge Randy Jackson.  Oh yes, Randy Jackson.  Fuck Yes Bro.  And thus, he was created.