Subject: Question 3 for Sylvio

August 7, 2008 - 2 Responses

Helmet:  WOULD YOU RATHER BE YOURSELF OR TOM BRADY?

Sylvio:  I would like to be myself in Tom Brady’s situation, but I would not give up my own personal consciousness for anything.

Helmet:  How was your weekend?

Sylvio:  Weekend was good, got in a fight with the woman and had to let her out of the car on the side of the road friday nite (this turned out to be a bad move), walked around in the woods on saturday, went for long hike in the desert on sunday (hot as a mutha), then got really drunk at a mexican restaraunt watching the pats and ended up pissing my pants.

Subject: How Could We Be Soo Stupid?

August 4, 2008 - Leave a Response

Mud: Friday was jerry’s birthday

i feel soo stupid.

III: We’re blessed that he graced this world and provided the music he did.

The 9th may be emotional however.
 
Still — we’re stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mud: true.  i guess i’m just pissed that i could have listened to that all day jerry thing and only found out about it now. 

III:WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mud:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHZZAHAHAHWWWAAAAAA

III: zzzzaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhh

Subject: Underjams

July 31, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet:  lice, thinking about getting you a pair of these: http://www.underjams.com/bedwetting/boy_landing.php?hidChk=yes

III:  I’m wondering if Liceman will be checking his email this week seeing that he’s on vacation!

While we wait for his response — did you guys hear about this crazy business that went down in Newport?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29191

Noozle:  If someone has his address we can sign him up to have a free pair sent to his apt. Can anyone help?

Helmet:  sailor fucks!

Noozle:  we are good, I hope the Large fits him, confirmation says delivery will occur in 4-6 weeks

nice work

Helmet:  i got 50 bucks says he wets the bed before he gets the underjams.

III:  Wow! There’s tons of free offers on the net!!! Noozle, do you think I could have your address??

Also Yimmy — there’s tons of nice free colognes. Can I have your address too?

Yim:  If they have some brute cologne in a spray bottle i’d be interested.

Subject: Question 3 for Noozle

July 30, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet:  WOULD YOU RATHER BE YOURSELF OR TOM BRADY?

Noozle:  I am and would remain myself. I think Brady is a chill guy who has done a lot of things I may never get a chance to do, like bang hot celebrities.

I think that I would really have to hate my life to be someone else and my life is just fine

Subject: Great Crew

July 30, 2008 - Leave a Response

Tube:  What do you guys say to getting together sometime this weekend?  Get a great crew together, perhaps enjoy a few brews.  Be decent to one another, ya know, the works!

Noozle:  You guys are cool.

Lice:  I’m game for saturday…. Miggity just called me and watns in on our decency action.  He’s going to Boston Billiards.  Perhaps start there and see where the night takes us?

Rub:  YESSSSSS!!!  That sounds fantastic.  I think I have to go to a New Balance party on Friday night, but I’d love to hang out.  T will be in Boston Saturday for the Sox game and also wants to get down afterward.  However, weather forecast is not looking good for the Sox game so maybe we should have a Masters party instead.  Becks and Bagels?

Tube:  I’m starting to feel the momentum/decency building.

Lice:  It’s a special feeling I’ll tell you that…  MMMMmmmmmmmmm.

Sr:  You guys are saxon dogs.  This plan wreaks of decency.  Becks and Bagels will be served on Sat morning.  Unfortch, the game and the Masters don’t start until after Three, maybe they’ll be some reruns on the golf channel?  At any rate, we will figure something out, because we are DECENT.  what a crew.

Tube:  MMMmmmm…. Beck’s and Bagels does sound nice.  An aggressive move, no doubt.  To gage the interest level:  Who would be down on that?

Noozle:  I can’t commit to anything early in the day, Sox at Billiards is more my style.

Lice:  I second that Nooztradamus.

Rub:  Could Becks and Bagels take place in the early afternoon… or is that just plain blasphemy?  I’m down for whatever as long as it involves this crew.

Sr:  Not blasphemy, but usually Becks and Bagels is a talbe setter for all day drinking affair.  It’s supposed to be breakfast/hangover cure.  After noon everyon will want lunch.  Maybe we should all meet up somewhere for lunch?  I know a nice Chinese place….

Lice:  I know a DECENT wing place that sells $1 Bud drafts.

Gnarles:  I’m down for a lunch/later part of the day congregation.  Are plans going to be finalized through this thread or cell phone?  I’m intersted in being around teh Park and seeing decent people.  Bravo on the initiative to get this crew together.

Rub:  This is such a great crew!!  Should we just plan to all meet at Billiards?

Tube:  Dear Great Crew,

I’m big time down for meeting at Billiard’s. I’ll probably be looking to do new and interesting things beforehand as well. This email confirms that everyone is down. FYI, Yim is trying to come up too — perhaps with BOLF. Speaking of BOLF, word is he just got a brand new Jaguar. Bastard!

Rub, I’m going over to Billiard’s today for some warmups. You’re gonna regret the last of line of your email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna bowl right over you!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mud:  perfect, perfect, bolf drives a new jaguar….

yeah, if you guys go to billiards that will be perfect bec we can meet up. i’d like to hang out and drink beers tomorrow night for the game. is anyone into that?

Tube:  GAME, SET, MATCH!!!

Subject: Question 3 for Bunt

July 29, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet:  WOULD YOU RATHER BE YOURSELF OR TOM BRADY ?

Bunt:  Myself, I’m much funnier than Tom Brady and he’s actually not from Massachusetts

Helmet:  so you value being from mass and being funny more than: fame, money, playing a sport for a living, being the man, being friends with the guru…etc.

Bunt:  Yeah, I like being me.

Helmet: Funky.

Subject: Question 2 for LR

July 29, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet:  What are You Doing Tonight?

LR:  going home to walk the dog, eat and watch mindless TV. what else would i be doing? is this really question 2?

Helmet:   This is indeed question 2.  Question 3 coming shortly. 

Subject: Question 2 for MS

July 24, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet: What are you going to do tonight?

MS: probably nothing. You?

Helmet: i know nothing, but what are you actually (literally going to do).

MS: I am going to fester and eat tacos

Subject: Question 2 for Ace

July 24, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet: What are you doing tonight?

Ace: I am watching the Sox, and i will study for the LSAT, and pet caitlin like a cat. purrrr

Subject: Question 2 For Sylvio

July 24, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet: What are you doing tonight?

Sylvio: Writing a midterm exam for my Criminal Law class. Baking swordfish steaks (a little tartar sauce on the side) with baked potato bombs (chives and sourcream) and steamed asparagus. Reading my book “The Wild Muir: Twenty-two of John Muir’s Greatest Adventures” and banging my women side scissor style into cowgirl (if I last).

Subject: TurkeyFest 101

July 21, 2008 - Leave a Response

 
  

Muffler: Muff/Sr. – turkey, squash and at the least a 30 rack.

Let us know if you are coming cause we only own 4 plates, we’ll have to get some paper jobs.

This is a woman-friendly event.

Mission Statement:

C’s sox booze turkey

Subject: Warning!

July 17, 2008 - Leave a Response

David: Dear Friends,

I’d like to sound a warning! 7-11 is supposedly giving away free SLURPEES! Naturally, I was waiting in line this morning for my SLUPEE (they have terrible flavors these days), and when I finally went to get my SLURP on, I was more than irate to find out that they’re giving them away in containers ALMOST AS SMALL AS A DIXIE CUP!!! Let this be a warning!!! I was furious when I found this out and the first thing I thought I should do is alert my boys! Warning! Warning! You are much better off getting a BIG GULP!!!! Repeat: GET A BIG GULP!!!!

Keith: whoa! wow, good thing i checked my email before my noon 7/11 slurpee run! thanks for the heads up, david!

wow, what a great call!

friendly regards all around,

keith.

Ron: HOLY FUCKING SHIT ASS SON OF A BITCH DONKEY TWAT MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude! Thanks for the heads up bro! Thats what bro’s are for. Big gulps on me!

David: Howdy!

You guys hear that? BIG GULPS on Ron!!! You heard it!!!! I certainly heard it!!!!! What a guy goddamnit!!! Ron for President! BIG GULPS on him!!!!

Ron: I like the sounds of that! Hot Damn! I can see it now… a 7/11 on every corner and a BIG GULP in every hand. A nation united by BIG GULPS. No red states and blue states, just BIG GULP states.

Subject: Jim Caviezel

July 16, 2008 - Leave a Response

III: Bro — you in the mood to rap about our boy Jim Caviezel?

Helemt: AM I EVER!  what do you got?  let it be heard!

Jim “The Human Easel” Caviezel.

III: All I’m sayin is that “Caviez” knows what it’s about, where it’s coming from, and why it works as it does….

Ain’t that the truth? Jim Caviezal — I could go on for hours..

Helmet: The Veiz farts smell like roses and he shits gold.  If the Veiz were a car he’d be a red Ferrari fully equipped with machine guns and full of naked women. 

III: It’s been said that Jim Caviezel has dicks for arms, and an arm for a dick. The thing is, both are so goddamn powerful that nobody ever took notice of his condition.

They’d name a fruit juice after Jim Caviezel, but he could could give two fucks about fruits and juice. I’ll he drinks is breast milk. Jim Caviezel.

Jim Caviezel is good friends with Sandy Cohen.

 

Even more — Jim Caviezel made Ryan Atwood watch as he sixty-nined Marissa Cooper. Caviezel gets very loud when he sixty-nines (that’s fo sho!).

 

Helmet: jim caveizel once messed his pants once when on a trip to a jungle tribe in argentina.  the tribe is now named the caviezels and they walk around with shit in their pants daily.  if you are caught without shit (a.k.a the body of caveizal) in your pants you are beheaded on the spot.

moe.

III:

Helmet:

III: skynard is killer at barbeques….

Subject: How Did You Spend Your Beerfest?

July 15, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet: How did you spend your Beerfest?

I woke up around 11: Drank a Modello

Went out to breakfast: Drank a Bloody

Went to my apartment and took a shower: Accompanied by a Bud.

Went to Bob’s Furniture: Prior to leaving a drank another Bud (Bob’s furniture could be the most disturbing place on earth.  It also turns out that it is Fester’s favorite furniture store).

 

Went to the liquor store and bought some bronson’s.

 

Went home and drank a six pack.

 

Lame Beerfest.  But, I thought of each and every one of you every time I cracked a brewski.

 

David: Howdy!! Greetings!!!

 

My Fest was nothing too wild — but I’ll fill you in — just in case you’re curious!

 

July 15, 2007

 

8:00 am – wake up, eat breakfast, newspaper, laundry, shave my head to look like a nazi.

 

9:45 am – swim at silvershell — chill there for approx 1.5 hours

 

11:30 am – Play golf with Yim, Gags, and Body (still no bronsons)

 

2:30? – Go to the Waav with Yim, Gags, T-Braman, and Bern and have a few. (Alas! Bronsonians!!!)

 

4:00? Have a bronson with my Ma, my aunt, and some other lady then go see little Bunty who is down at Silvershell

 

5:10? Come home – watch the end of the sox (have a bronson) pack up to head back to Boston

 

6-6:45 – Wait for E – read the paper – mow a burger (one last bronson)

 

8 – Arrive in Boston – unload – watch the movie Shooter starring Marky Mark – which turns out to be pretty heady!!

 

So, no serious sluggage — but a nice day nonetheless…

Subject: Tomorrow

July 8, 2008 - Leave a Response

Tubby Smalls:  So, what’s the deal, are we meeting pappy for lunch tomorrow at 2? Let me know, it’ll make the difference between whether or not i’ll allow myself to be hungover tomorrow and drink  a huge bottle of cheap Bourbon tonight, or if i’ll be sticking to harmless malt liquor.

OH! wait till you see my halloween costume. I spent all this past week staying in my studio till 1 am every night working on it. I’m going as an enormous jar of mayonnaise!!!

P Time: Just keep it simple with the 40 oz’s tonight homes….no need to push it.  You KNOW JC’s gonna try to get us drunk tomorrow too so let him have his fun…

What are you getting J for her bday??? I was thinking candy corn laced with anthrax….  sike—love that bitch.  Wanna go half’s on a new, shiny crack-piece for her though??

Holla back— La hermana.

Tubby Smalls: Aw man!  i made a giant chicken wire sculpture, plastered the living shit out of it while rockin’ out to the Cars, Cheap Trick and the Ramones [yeah! detroit rock!] in my studio for several hours, then just spent last night painting it to look like a jar of Hellman’s [obviously it’s hallowed out so i can get into it]. Hopefully it wont get destroyed while i’m off swilling sherry and screwing goats at some halloween party i’m going to later on. 

Ok, so i’ll only show up MILDLY hung over to lunch with dad. if i’m unshowered and wearing the same clothes as today, dont be alarmed…it doesnt mean i’m hungover, it just means i got laid and am making the walk of shame straight to lunch.  but you dont need to know about that little sis. 

So, for J’s birthday i got a really cheesy yet totally mad expensive bouquet of flowers and balloons to be delivered to her office on halloween. the good people of 1-800-FLOWERS wouldn’t allow me to include a card that says “J, you are a total homo for sending us an email about M being smart. CNN San Fransisco reports that our cousin’s husband who we barely see has learnt how to moleculate brain structures with the symbiosis of blah blah blah blah, and J is having a mild orgasm, yet again every time someone in the family takes a shit.” Nah I love that bitch too.

Although J didn’t care when i called her all freaked out and excited the other night when i found out that they just caught some broad who was a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army [the group of radicals from the early 70’s who kidnapped Patty Hearst] who has been living under an assumed identity in St. Paul Minnesota, having traded her “Power to the People” ways to marry a physician and be a homemaker in a huge tutor house in an affluent section of St Paul. This soccer mom is now facing the rest of her life to be spent in prison all for that pesky trying to blow up to LAPD cop cars with a pipe bomb thingee she was involved with.  J was all like “Some people were just so desperate for attention back then!” i was like “Shut up J! Why did you have to be such a square! I dont care if you did bumps at studio 54 in the 70’s! Why weren’t you dropping acid in 1968, hanging out with Peter Fonda on the Haight and joining the Manson Family or something?!?

I love J.

P Time:  Speaking of Charles Manson, what ever happened to that mustache you were working on??

Tubby Smalls: oh, you’re not gonna get to see the tub-stache, i totally got pissed and shaved that thing off yesterday. The moustache ride has been condemned and is being closed down.

Subject: Help

June 30, 2008 - Leave a Response

Imposter Ace:  I hope this message finds you in best of health. I had traveled to Nigeria for official purposes.  Unfortunately for me all my money was stolen at the hotel where I lodged, I am so confused right now, I don’t know what to do or where to go, I didn’t bring my phone here, I have access to only emails, Please can you send me $3000 today so I can return home, As soon as I get home I would refund it immediately. Write me so I can let you know how to send it.

Please keep this to your self only

please!!

Thanks,

Ace

Rub:  There’s something fishy going on here… I think you may have mentioned a trip to Nigeria, but if $ is what you need, please let me know how to send it.

Imposter Ace:  I am in Nigeria now, ok.  Please help me send the money today through western union with my information below.  will refund it once i get back to the states, ok.

Name: ACE

Address: 24 Peye Street, Bodija
City: Ibadan
State: Oyo
Country: Nigeria
Zip Code: 23402

Please use this test question and answer.
Question? Who Is Receiver?
Answer: Ace

Please email me with all the western details that I would need to have the money picked up this morning , ok.

Rub:  ok… answer me this.  What was the name of Sauvé’s pet ferret?  ok.

Real Ace:  good call bro it is a hoax someone hacked my junk

Subject: Question 1 for Noozle

June 27, 2008 - Leave a Response

  

Helmet: IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE ?

this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Noozle: Airport

Helmet: Interesting. Your just really into airports or something? Is this for financial gain? Please comment. Thanks.

Noozle: Financial gain and for leisure I like to travel. If you owned an airport this woudl be easy and you would be mad rich.

Maybe I would just turn around, sell the airport and have mad loot, buy a nice house, invest mony to retire and take care of my self for a long time.

Why do you ask?? have you asked others? If so what were their answers

Subject: Question 1 for Rub

June 25, 2008 - Leave a Response

Helmet: IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE ?

this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Rub: an email account where people didn’t ask me weird questions that made me think too much.

i realize its a serious question, but if you would like a serious answer, first let me know why, and i’ll give it some more thought.

Subject: Question 1 for Ace

June 23, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet: IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE ?  this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Ace: Wings

Helmet: wings?  as in the grizzle? that’s okay if that is your real answer.  I’m recording people’s original answer and final answer.  you have the opportunity to revise (if you need to).

question 2 will arrive shortly.  your participation is appreciated.

thanks.

Ace: no i mean really wings. like as a bird, just bigger ones so that i could fly. it might seem weird but I think it is cool.  does it have to be something truly attainable or could it be like… wings?

Subject: Making Out

June 20, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet:

 

Hey III,

 

My woman had a bad dream last night, see below an excerpt from our email:

 

we were at a party, actually it was my house i think,

or my parents house and it was super late

and some people were passed out, some still awake

and i was playing music on the computer or something

and then looked up and you were making out with someone

and i screamed HELMET!

and you popped up and it was III’s lady.

and i started frekaing out and screaming at both of you

what the fuck are you doing

over and over again

and you both just sat there drunk like oh shit oops

 

III: i think she forgot how it ends… (see below)

 

and then III took a switch blade and sliced up your neck in 20 different places

and then he took a shit on both of your faces

and then he started screaming, “you still wanna make out with him now, bitch?”

and he pissed on both of you and said “get the fuck outta my face!”

 

Subject: Cold Out There?

June 19, 2008 - Leave a Response

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MH:  Cold out there?

 

BW:  Nah its probably like 65.  How is it there?  It bettah be hot when I get home!!

 

MH: why are you not coming home for the feast.  what are you a pecka head?

 

BW:  Well yes I am a peckahead.  I’m planning on going to Seattle that weekend.  It’s my mistake but I had no idea that this would be the most important PF in my lifetime when I booked my trip.

 

My Bad,

BW

 

MH: be a man and fix your mistakes, boy.

 

what did you do last weekend?  i ate (fri to sun): fish tacos, lemon poppy seed muffin, steamers, crackers and cheese, homemade pizza, stuffed cohogs, chowder, lobster roll, chips, cherry cheesecake, eggs, sausage, e. muffin, watermelon, blueberries, banana bread, stuffed cohog, stuffed cohog, meatloaf, mashed potatoes.

 

pretty decent.

 

BW: Damn that sounds like an awesome weekend.  I played golf on Friday after work and then went go-carting/batting cages/arcade with Lloyd and his wife on Saturday.  I ate a bunch of bbq chicken, some salad, and a bunch off cheerios this weekend.  Nothing compared to your feast.  I need some quahogs.  Now I’m justbiding my time until I get back to mass for some linguica.  What’s going on for the 15 th?  I’ll be coming back from a wedding that morning but would love to blow it out Beerfest style. 

 

MH: not sure what’s going on for the 15th.  probably a rage fest of some sort, but again, i’m not sure.

Subject: Goons, C’s, Car Flipping, Zombie (The Day After)

June 18, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet: ururuHGHGHGHGHGHHURURRHHRHHGHGH 

             

Muff: How many ladies were slayed by Perk last night?!!!   I say the over/under is 27. 

 

Helmet: gross scene…probably over 27 

 

dudes, i’m sooo hung-ung-ung-ung-ung..ughhghghghghghghg…. 

 

Muff: I’m IRATE at my hunnnnged head 

 

III: I just scarfed a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich and now I’m about to shit all over my office…

 

Definitely having some tough times — but in the name of glory — it all seems to be correct…

 

Helmet: BEERS NAILED OUTSIDE OF SHANGS ON THE SIDEWALK. 

 

Sr: i am watching sportscenter on repeat, the beauty of the half day!!!  wish i didn’t get so drunk last night though. 

III: think the highlight of my night was a long embrace with good friend Bart when he came into Shangs! The perfect exclamation for a season of epic decency!

Helmet: Bart has ridiculous chest hair and he’s not afraid to show it.  hell, flaunt it if you got it, right!  go C’s!  go Bart!  

 

Muff: i feel like takin my roni out, i’m so satisfied 

 

Helmet: I bet Bart would fuck you up in the Long Nipple Hair Showdown. 

 

III: If that’s the case, there’s a good chance he could hold the world record for longest nipple hair (5 inches)….

 

Muff: crushing some wagamama….championship lunch! 

 

dudes…peckahead radio is off the chaaahts today!

Subject: Goons, C’s, Car Flipping, Zombie

June 17, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet: Heeeeeeey,  Heeeyyyyaaahhhhh….

 

Us bastards are going to the game tonight right?  What are you guys thinking?  I’m thinking Shangs around 7:30.  I’d feel bad being in the area and not stopping in to see Tony…Maybe a possible pre game goon sesh?

 

For those coming from the Back Bay/South End – I’ll be home around 6 then hopping a quick shower, then I’m gonna head down.  How does that sound?

 

I’ve been popping wood about the game all morning and my Chubby is sore.

 

Kindest regards,

 

Helmet.

 

III: I’d love a lift down there!!!! Unreal!!!! I’m so exicted like!!! I have a serious roni!

 

My plan: Drink a bottle of cheap vodka. Go to C’s, flip cars, and swear.

 

Tony is usually off on Tuesday isn’t he??

 

Helmet: what’s w/ the NBA scheduling games when Shangs is closed/Tony isn’t working? 

 

Sr: we should call and find out.  

 

Helmet: Call the NBA or call Shangs?  Either way I guess….

 

Sr: if we call them we should order next year’s seasons.  i think we should all buck up and get half a season in friendly section 316.  holla. 

 

Muff: In my cube at work 12:26 pm:

 

Shangs girl:  (little whore that works the phones)  Hi, this is Shangs, can I help you?

Muff:  Decent, is the bar open today?

Shangs girl:  Ya, bar open at 5.

Muff:  Is Tony working tonight?

Shangs girl: Ya, ya.

Muff:  Seriously, are you sure, because he usually doen’t work on Tuesdays.

Shangs girl:  Ya, Tony, the old guy?  ya, he’s working – 5 o’clock open

Muff:  You have to be sure because my buddies and I only go if Tony is working.

Shangs girl:  Ya, Tony.  He is working Tuesday.

Muff:  Ok.  You know that Tony is the man, right?

Shangs girl:  heeeeheeee, heeeheee, ya Tony.

Muff:  Decent.  Thanks.

 

Helmet: hilarious… i love that place and tony better be working

Subject: Tough Loss

June 16, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Lice: Tough loss last night – hopefully we can rebound tomorrow night. Here’s a little humor to cheer everyone up…

“Every day, a male co-worker of mine walks up to my friend Sally at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to the supervisor in the personnel department, and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The Woman replies, “He’s a midget.”

Subject: Question 1 for Sylvio

June 13, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet:  IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE?

this is a serious question so think about it before you answer.

Sylvio:  I would want a magical map that anything that I drew on it would then really exist in real life.  For instance, first I would draw my house, then I would draw a baby red dragon around the corner of my house, then I would go outside and around the corner and there it would be, my own baby red dragon.  A baby red dragon is not what I would draw, it is just an example of something previously unattainable that would be mine with my new map.  After I did whatever it is that one would do with a baby red dragon, I would take out my eraser, any ordinary eraser would do (unless you wrote on the map in pen) and erase the dragon to make it go away.  Then I would draw a water balloon filled with throwup, and have it placed over the door of the guy that lives below me so when he went out his door it would fall on him and make him covered with throwup, and smelly.  This, a vomit filled water balloon, is not what I would want either but just another example of the powers of my map.  I would most likely, with the help of the map, become a superhero, “Mapito” and I would win every supermarket shopping spree ever because I would draw myself at the finish line before the other contestants.

Helmet:  Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.  It sounds like you don’t know what you want, but rather that you want a device that can give you what you want when you decide that you want something.

Please clarify Syl, and please, as always – keep it simple.

Sylvio:  Lifelong Happiness or the undending ability to invent words with the suffix:  “a-roni”.

Helmet:  Decent!

Subject: Question 1 for III

June 12, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet: IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE ?
this is a serious question so think about it before you answer. 

III: probably an eternal happy life……why??? and why so serious????
And what about you? And how was the party last night?

BRONSONS ON ME….

Helmet: re: your answer: those are two things (1. eternal life, 2. happy life). do you mean happiness for the rest of your life? please revise…

re: why: just curious.
re: me: i don’t know.
re: party: didn’t happen.
re: bronsons: i like when bronsons are on you.
how was your party?

III: No party for me. I was feeling a little under the weather, and was asleep by like 8:00.

BRONSONS ON ME!!

It’s a tough question here, but I would want eternal life, unless I was a vegetable in some form. Then I wouldn’t want eternal life. So……it would probably be a humongous bowl of stew.

Wait, wait, wait…..it may not be that.

Probably it’s eternal happiness…….for everyone. (Which could just be a bowl of stew!) Who knows? Everything is connected bro…….

Helmet: eternal happiness for everyone is your final answer. thank you.

no party for me either. i was going to get a brewHA with noosle lebowski but he got to my house and made an executive decision to drink beers at onset’s instead of going to the bars. i declined.
C Men tonight!!

Subject: Would You Rather…

June 11, 2008 - Leave a Response

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III: Would you rather eat a diarrhea sandwich or have someone barf directly down your throat?

Mrs: I’d rather eat a diarrhea sandwich.  Definitely.

Would your rather jump off a five story building or get hit by a truck?

III: You’d eat a diarrhea sandwich?  Ew, gross…

I think I’d rather be hit by a truck.  Not positive on that one though…

Would you rather toss MM’s salad or watch your boyfriend toss MM’s salad?

Mrs:  ew.  Sick.  MM’s salad must smell so bad.  I think I would puke if I tossed it myself so I would have to choose watching my boyfriend doing it.  I would must have to plug my nose somehow.

Would you rather eat someone’s pubic and ass hair from a salad bowl (no dressing) or eat a cut off penis after it has been cooked in the oven for a half hour?

III: I’d rather eat pubes.  I’d probably die if I ate a shlong.

Would you rather take a bath in a tub full of gloop, or have both of your thumbs chopped off?

Mrs: I would rather take a bath in gloop by far.  That’s a one time event and wouldn’t have thumbs forever.

Would you rather drink a cup full of Rub’s boogers or a cup full of Noozle’s boogers?

III: I should have said take a daily bath in gloop. Not a good one! My bad!

While I imagine Noozle’s boogies would provide more bang for your buck, Rub’s boogers are practically a delicacy! I’d drink Rub’s. I do it tonight if he asked me to.

Would you rather lick the sweaty inner thigh of the fattest person you know or drink a big glass of someone’s sweat?

Mrs: ha ha.  yeah I hear ya and Noozle’s boogers could be health hazard – god forbid you choked on one of those gigantic things! 

I would definitely have to go with licking the inner thigh of the fattest person alive.  I couldn’t handle dinking someones sweats with gulps.  A lick is quick and over with.

would you rather have butt sex with a goat or have butt sex with Lice Man?

III: I’d rather do a goat — lord knows it carries less risk than fooling around with Lice Man.

Would you rather have long saggy boobs down to your ankles or an extra normal sized boob protruding from your forehead?

Mrs: I’d prefer the long saggy ass boobs.  I’d probably just get a reduction and a lift.

would you rather your woman have a gigantic penis instead of a vag or breath that smelt like a mixture of diareah, barf, tuna, and egg bombs?

Subject: You Guys are Coo

June 10, 2008 - Leave a Response

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SrPretty cool.

Noozle:  Kobe is such a conceded bastard.  He stands no chance of winning in Boston with the amount of Pecka Heads we have heckling him.

Tubesteak:  Kobe and the Lakers beating the Celtics this series is about as probable as this kid beating up Vince Wilfork…

This is really cool too.  Celts/Bulls — Eastern Conference Finals 09.

Noozle:  I love V. D. N.

Muff: that kid is freakin hilar…he’s deece .01

Sr:  Yep, Bennett Salvatore

Helmet:  No Way the C’s win tonight.

Irate!

Subject: Seasons

June 9, 2008 - Leave a Response

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C’s:  2007-2008 Seasons are Now Available.

Muff: Who is this Fellow??   What happened to our boy Brian?

 

Sr: I don’t know, and I don’t care if someone is peddling seasons to me it may as well be an irish chick.  are we going to just pick 12 games?  or do the package?

 

III: Brian is probably in Laguna Beach hanging out with that dude Talan.

 

Brian is a chill motherfuck…

 

Muff: damn straight he’s a bad mother Fer fo sho.  I think we should do 9-10 games, picking them.  instead of the package.

 

Sr: i agree, maybe we should call this chick and explain what were up to.  we should probably try to get close to courtside seats for one game, for example, if they play the nj nets.

 

Mud: oh, this is a chick, definitely screw her than.

 

lets just get the press table seats.

 

Muff: What do you guys think is the best way to lure Tony into coming to a C’s game with us?
 

Talk amongst yourselves…

 

Personally, I’d use a Full Live Catfish

 

III: Garfield eats mad Catfish —

 

It’s a metaphor for extremely loose pussy…

 

This chick probably has a pretty loose one.

 

God, I miss Brian!

 

Mud: we could tell him lander is there.  retribution!

 

III: How was the rest of Turkey last night?

 

Mud: it was fun.  didn’t get home till about 2 and i got pretty stewed.  had a good time though.

how was the rest of your night?

 

III: It was alright. Er didn’t take to kindly to my brief dancing episode.

 

Did anyone ever start “dancing out?”

 

I was pretty “tanked.” The bedroom smelled very “funny” this morning.

 

III: What we should be talkin about is Pats tickets…

 

Mud: touche.  we are already 1.5 hours into the season.

 

Muff: Catfish and Pats!     IRATE  landers,  landers!!!

 

Muff: what do you guys got going this weekend?

 

Mud: who’s going to the feast?  can we discuss this at the feast?

 

III: I’m gettin my shlong all old and dirty…  Were people dancing? Were you dancing?

 

Muff: The Feast of the Blessed Sacrament? 

 

Mud: you know what fucking feast, muffler!  the FBS.

 

Sr: i think the better question is who isn’t going to the feast and if not what’s your excuse. 

 

i think if we could get tom the bartender scheduled on a friday and stage a live catfish game against the raptors with arch nemesis lander, tony would be in.

 

III: The Feast is where you go to pork broads.

 

FOR SHNIZZLE MY NIZZLE!

 

Muff: The very popular Budweiser Beer is sold on tap throughout the Feast grounds.

 

Mud: 

 lez zeplin

 

III: I wouldn’t mind having my dick rot in one of those musicians…

 

Mud: jesus.  you are in a vulgar mood, huh?

 

III: I was just jokin about having my Roni rot. Here’s a picture of the head of the feast:

 

 

Mud: foook!  i can’t see him/her

 

III: The Feast head is chill, you can find him under the Photo page on the feast website.

 

And yes, I’m vulgair — GET OVER IT!

 

“Meow”

 

Mud: really?  cool.  don’t meow me.  I’m getting a burger for lunch.

 

III: We’re having a pizza party @ work!! We have a two slice limit policy. If we go over the limit we have to start paying.

 

This emailing session is great, isn’t it.

 

Mud: that’s a weird pizza party, no?

 

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow

 

III: I was just jokin about the policy. Really, everyone is going to be crazy and dance. My goof-level is off the charts right now. “meow”

 

“It’s so hard…. to say goodbye….to yesterday.”

– Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD (The East Coast Family)

 

Mud: you got me.

 

i like your little quote there.  dancing pizza party, huh?  can you take a photo on your phone and send it to me?

 

III: misquoted the song. I have fixed it though. Have you ever made out with a chick in a closet at work?

 

“It’s so hard…. to say goodbye….to yesterday…..eeeeeee.”

Subject: Dude

June 6, 2008 - Leave a Response

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Helmet:  Dude, You must have popped wood for the entire game last night.

Dude, let me know if you need a ride home.  Also, dude, please remember to bring that ticket for me.  And dude, as previously mentioned, please let me know about the ride dude, we will be leaving around 3pm, dude, so let me know.

Ok dude, talk to you later,

Helmet.

III:  Dude — I had an orgasm at the game.  Orgasm.

I’m hopping on a train home shortly.  Be in touch!