Archive for July, 2008

Subject: Underjams
July 31, 2008

Helmet:  lice, thinking about getting you a pair of these: http://www.underjams.com/bedwetting/boy_landing.php?hidChk=yes

III:  I’m wondering if Liceman will be checking his email this week seeing that he’s on vacation!

While we wait for his response — did you guys hear about this crazy business that went down in Newport?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29191

Noozle:  If someone has his address we can sign him up to have a free pair sent to his apt. Can anyone help?

Helmet:  sailor fucks!

Noozle:  we are good, I hope the Large fits him, confirmation says delivery will occur in 4-6 weeks

nice work

Helmet:  i got 50 bucks says he wets the bed before he gets the underjams.

III:  Wow! There’s tons of free offers on the net!!! Noozle, do you think I could have your address??

Also Yimmy — there’s tons of nice free colognes. Can I have your address too?

Yim:  If they have some brute cologne in a spray bottle i’d be interested.

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Subject: Question 3 for Noozle
July 30, 2008

Helmet:  WOULD YOU RATHER BE YOURSELF OR TOM BRADY?

Noozle:  I am and would remain myself. I think Brady is a chill guy who has done a lot of things I may never get a chance to do, like bang hot celebrities.

I think that I would really have to hate my life to be someone else and my life is just fine

Subject: Great Crew
July 30, 2008

Tube:  What do you guys say to getting together sometime this weekend?  Get a great crew together, perhaps enjoy a few brews.  Be decent to one another, ya know, the works!

Noozle:  You guys are cool.

Lice:  I’m game for saturday…. Miggity just called me and watns in on our decency action.  He’s going to Boston Billiards.  Perhaps start there and see where the night takes us?

Rub:  YESSSSSS!!!  That sounds fantastic.  I think I have to go to a New Balance party on Friday night, but I’d love to hang out.  T will be in Boston Saturday for the Sox game and also wants to get down afterward.  However, weather forecast is not looking good for the Sox game so maybe we should have a Masters party instead.  Becks and Bagels?

Tube:  I’m starting to feel the momentum/decency building.

Lice:  It’s a special feeling I’ll tell you that…  MMMMmmmmmmmmm.

Sr:  You guys are saxon dogs.  This plan wreaks of decency.  Becks and Bagels will be served on Sat morning.  Unfortch, the game and the Masters don’t start until after Three, maybe they’ll be some reruns on the golf channel?  At any rate, we will figure something out, because we are DECENT.  what a crew.

Tube:  MMMmmmm…. Beck’s and Bagels does sound nice.  An aggressive move, no doubt.  To gage the interest level:  Who would be down on that?

Noozle:  I can’t commit to anything early in the day, Sox at Billiards is more my style.

Lice:  I second that Nooztradamus.

Rub:  Could Becks and Bagels take place in the early afternoon… or is that just plain blasphemy?  I’m down for whatever as long as it involves this crew.

Sr:  Not blasphemy, but usually Becks and Bagels is a talbe setter for all day drinking affair.  It’s supposed to be breakfast/hangover cure.  After noon everyon will want lunch.  Maybe we should all meet up somewhere for lunch?  I know a nice Chinese place….

Lice:  I know a DECENT wing place that sells $1 Bud drafts.

Gnarles:  I’m down for a lunch/later part of the day congregation.  Are plans going to be finalized through this thread or cell phone?  I’m intersted in being around teh Park and seeing decent people.  Bravo on the initiative to get this crew together.

Rub:  This is such a great crew!!  Should we just plan to all meet at Billiards?

Tube:  Dear Great Crew,

I’m big time down for meeting at Billiard’s. I’ll probably be looking to do new and interesting things beforehand as well. This email confirms that everyone is down. FYI, Yim is trying to come up too — perhaps with BOLF. Speaking of BOLF, word is he just got a brand new Jaguar. Bastard!

Rub, I’m going over to Billiard’s today for some warmups. You’re gonna regret the last of line of your email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna bowl right over you!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mud:  perfect, perfect, bolf drives a new jaguar….

yeah, if you guys go to billiards that will be perfect bec we can meet up. i’d like to hang out and drink beers tomorrow night for the game. is anyone into that?

Tube:  GAME, SET, MATCH!!!

Subject: Question 3 for Bunt
July 29, 2008

Helmet:  WOULD YOU RATHER BE YOURSELF OR TOM BRADY ?

Bunt:  Myself, I’m much funnier than Tom Brady and he’s actually not from Massachusetts

Helmet:  so you value being from mass and being funny more than: fame, money, playing a sport for a living, being the man, being friends with the guru…etc.

Bunt:  Yeah, I like being me.

Helmet: Funky.

Subject: Question 2 for LR
July 29, 2008

Helmet:  What are You Doing Tonight?

LR:  going home to walk the dog, eat and watch mindless TV. what else would i be doing? is this really question 2?

Helmet:   This is indeed question 2.  Question 3 coming shortly. 

Subject: Question 2 for MS
July 24, 2008

Helmet: What are you going to do tonight?

MS: probably nothing. You?

Helmet: i know nothing, but what are you actually (literally going to do).

MS: I am going to fester and eat tacos

Subject: Question 2 for Ace
July 24, 2008

Helmet: What are you doing tonight?

Ace: I am watching the Sox, and i will study for the LSAT, and pet caitlin like a cat. purrrr

Subject: Question 2 For Sylvio
July 24, 2008

Helmet: What are you doing tonight?

Sylvio: Writing a midterm exam for my Criminal Law class. Baking swordfish steaks (a little tartar sauce on the side) with baked potato bombs (chives and sourcream) and steamed asparagus. Reading my book “The Wild Muir: Twenty-two of John Muir’s Greatest Adventures” and banging my women side scissor style into cowgirl (if I last).

Subject: TurkeyFest 101
July 21, 2008

 
  

Muffler: Muff/Sr. – turkey, squash and at the least a 30 rack.

Let us know if you are coming cause we only own 4 plates, we’ll have to get some paper jobs.

This is a woman-friendly event.

Mission Statement:

C’s sox booze turkey

Subject: Warning!
July 17, 2008

David: Dear Friends,

I’d like to sound a warning! 7-11 is supposedly giving away free SLURPEES! Naturally, I was waiting in line this morning for my SLUPEE (they have terrible flavors these days), and when I finally went to get my SLURP on, I was more than irate to find out that they’re giving them away in containers ALMOST AS SMALL AS A DIXIE CUP!!! Let this be a warning!!! I was furious when I found this out and the first thing I thought I should do is alert my boys! Warning! Warning! You are much better off getting a BIG GULP!!!! Repeat: GET A BIG GULP!!!!

Keith: whoa! wow, good thing i checked my email before my noon 7/11 slurpee run! thanks for the heads up, david!

wow, what a great call!

friendly regards all around,

keith.

Ron: HOLY FUCKING SHIT ASS SON OF A BITCH DONKEY TWAT MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude! Thanks for the heads up bro! Thats what bro’s are for. Big gulps on me!

David: Howdy!

You guys hear that? BIG GULPS on Ron!!! You heard it!!!! I certainly heard it!!!!! What a guy goddamnit!!! Ron for President! BIG GULPS on him!!!!

Ron: I like the sounds of that! Hot Damn! I can see it now… a 7/11 on every corner and a BIG GULP in every hand. A nation united by BIG GULPS. No red states and blue states, just BIG GULP states.

Subject: Jim Caviezel
July 16, 2008

III: Bro — you in the mood to rap about our boy Jim Caviezel?

Helemt: AM I EVER!  what do you got?  let it be heard!

Jim “The Human Easel” Caviezel.

III: All I’m sayin is that “Caviez” knows what it’s about, where it’s coming from, and why it works as it does….

Ain’t that the truth? Jim Caviezal — I could go on for hours..

Helmet: The Veiz farts smell like roses and he shits gold.  If the Veiz were a car he’d be a red Ferrari fully equipped with machine guns and full of naked women. 

III: It’s been said that Jim Caviezel has dicks for arms, and an arm for a dick. The thing is, both are so goddamn powerful that nobody ever took notice of his condition.

They’d name a fruit juice after Jim Caviezel, but he could could give two fucks about fruits and juice. I’ll he drinks is breast milk. Jim Caviezel.

Jim Caviezel is good friends with Sandy Cohen.

 

Even more — Jim Caviezel made Ryan Atwood watch as he sixty-nined Marissa Cooper. Caviezel gets very loud when he sixty-nines (that’s fo sho!).

 

Helmet: jim caveizel once messed his pants once when on a trip to a jungle tribe in argentina.  the tribe is now named the caviezels and they walk around with shit in their pants daily.  if you are caught without shit (a.k.a the body of caveizal) in your pants you are beheaded on the spot.

moe.

III:

Helmet:

III: skynard is killer at barbeques….

Subject: How Did You Spend Your Beerfest?
July 15, 2008

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Helmet: How did you spend your Beerfest?

I woke up around 11: Drank a Modello

Went out to breakfast: Drank a Bloody

Went to my apartment and took a shower: Accompanied by a Bud.

Went to Bob’s Furniture: Prior to leaving a drank another Bud (Bob’s furniture could be the most disturbing place on earth.  It also turns out that it is Fester’s favorite furniture store).

 

Went to the liquor store and bought some bronson’s.

 

Went home and drank a six pack.

 

Lame Beerfest.  But, I thought of each and every one of you every time I cracked a brewski.

 

David: Howdy!! Greetings!!!

 

My Fest was nothing too wild — but I’ll fill you in — just in case you’re curious!

 

July 15, 2007

 

8:00 am – wake up, eat breakfast, newspaper, laundry, shave my head to look like a nazi.

 

9:45 am – swim at silvershell — chill there for approx 1.5 hours

 

11:30 am – Play golf with Yim, Gags, and Body (still no bronsons)

 

2:30? – Go to the Waav with Yim, Gags, T-Braman, and Bern and have a few. (Alas! Bronsonians!!!)

 

4:00? Have a bronson with my Ma, my aunt, and some other lady then go see little Bunty who is down at Silvershell

 

5:10? Come home – watch the end of the sox (have a bronson) pack up to head back to Boston

 

6-6:45 – Wait for E – read the paper – mow a burger (one last bronson)

 

8 – Arrive in Boston – unload – watch the movie Shooter starring Marky Mark – which turns out to be pretty heady!!

 

So, no serious sluggage — but a nice day nonetheless…

Subject: Tomorrow
July 8, 2008

Tubby Smalls:  So, what’s the deal, are we meeting pappy for lunch tomorrow at 2? Let me know, it’ll make the difference between whether or not i’ll allow myself to be hungover tomorrow and drink  a huge bottle of cheap Bourbon tonight, or if i’ll be sticking to harmless malt liquor.

OH! wait till you see my halloween costume. I spent all this past week staying in my studio till 1 am every night working on it. I’m going as an enormous jar of mayonnaise!!!

P Time: Just keep it simple with the 40 oz’s tonight homes….no need to push it.  You KNOW JC’s gonna try to get us drunk tomorrow too so let him have his fun…

What are you getting J for her bday??? I was thinking candy corn laced with anthrax….  sike—love that bitch.  Wanna go half’s on a new, shiny crack-piece for her though??

Holla back— La hermana.

Tubby Smalls: Aw man!  i made a giant chicken wire sculpture, plastered the living shit out of it while rockin’ out to the Cars, Cheap Trick and the Ramones [yeah! detroit rock!] in my studio for several hours, then just spent last night painting it to look like a jar of Hellman’s [obviously it’s hallowed out so i can get into it]. Hopefully it wont get destroyed while i’m off swilling sherry and screwing goats at some halloween party i’m going to later on. 

Ok, so i’ll only show up MILDLY hung over to lunch with dad. if i’m unshowered and wearing the same clothes as today, dont be alarmed…it doesnt mean i’m hungover, it just means i got laid and am making the walk of shame straight to lunch.  but you dont need to know about that little sis. 

So, for J’s birthday i got a really cheesy yet totally mad expensive bouquet of flowers and balloons to be delivered to her office on halloween. the good people of 1-800-FLOWERS wouldn’t allow me to include a card that says “J, you are a total homo for sending us an email about M being smart. CNN San Fransisco reports that our cousin’s husband who we barely see has learnt how to moleculate brain structures with the symbiosis of blah blah blah blah, and J is having a mild orgasm, yet again every time someone in the family takes a shit.” Nah I love that bitch too.

Although J didn’t care when i called her all freaked out and excited the other night when i found out that they just caught some broad who was a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army [the group of radicals from the early 70’s who kidnapped Patty Hearst] who has been living under an assumed identity in St. Paul Minnesota, having traded her “Power to the People” ways to marry a physician and be a homemaker in a huge tutor house in an affluent section of St Paul. This soccer mom is now facing the rest of her life to be spent in prison all for that pesky trying to blow up to LAPD cop cars with a pipe bomb thingee she was involved with.  J was all like “Some people were just so desperate for attention back then!” i was like “Shut up J! Why did you have to be such a square! I dont care if you did bumps at studio 54 in the 70’s! Why weren’t you dropping acid in 1968, hanging out with Peter Fonda on the Haight and joining the Manson Family or something?!?

I love J.

P Time:  Speaking of Charles Manson, what ever happened to that mustache you were working on??

Tubby Smalls: oh, you’re not gonna get to see the tub-stache, i totally got pissed and shaved that thing off yesterday. The moustache ride has been condemned and is being closed down.