Archive for May, 2008

Subject: Boston Rangers
May 30, 2008

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Bernie:  Guys, It was good meeting you last night, it’s nice to see younger guys still interested in playing.  Like I mentioned last night, we’ll probably be hitting in the cages again next Wed, I’ll be sure to let you know.  Also, do you have an email address for your buddy?

 

Helmet: Tubesteak,I’ll let you handle this.  You should give him lice’s email if he’s interested.  What are you doing right now?  Do you have any lunch suggestions? 

let me know,

helmet

Tubesteak:  handle writing back?  is noozleman interested in playing?  i just put up a randy posting on craigslist to see if i get anything in return.  i just got out of the shower, i got a humongous zit, that i’m not sure what to do about.  for lunch, i’m definitely suggesting a filet-o-fish from good ol’ McD’s.

Helmet: i told bernie that i didn’t think noozle was interest but kev may be and that you’d get back to him about that, i called kev but not answer.  bernie keeps emailing me, like 5 times asking me all this stuff, it’s making me uncomfortable.  mcd’s i s on my mind right now but a filet – o – fish is out of the question.  sorry to hear about your disfigurement, hopefully it clears up so you can do your thing this weekend.  where is the post i want to check for its randyness.  lets go to the ave tonight – men’s night out. 

Tubesteak: i will not tell you about the post unless i get a response first.  what kind of stuff is bernie asking you?  stuff that makes you uncomfortable?  did he ask about the size of your tic-tac weenie?  are you going home this weekend?  i think i may score with that bartender chick from bridge street….cause i know she wants it.  but first this humongous blemish must become unnoticeable……

Helmet: you’re making me very randy right now.  he’s asking me things like: where i work, if i can catch, if i have a cup that is shaped as a tic tac, if lice knows some dude from tabor that dated his sister.  it was making me uncomfortable because i knew that if you found out i was speaking to him behind his back that you would be mad at me, but i can’t help myself.  

Tubesteak:  Sorry to make you randy, but you’ve made this whole situation a little randy by going behind my back and speaking with “bernie,” and you’ve shown no remorse.  you’ve essentially ripped off my last layer of penis skin to expose the pulsating cartilage that’s left behind.  and i’m hurt…..not from the ripped off skin, but deep inside my anus, there’s a metal rod made of hurtful feelings.  i hope you’re pleased with yourself.  let’s go to the ave tonight.  men’s night out……

Subject: Yo
May 29, 2008

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Rub:  what are you bastards doing this friday night? are you guys really having this bash?

Mud: yes, you son of a bitch. didn’t you get the e-vite.

Rub: i did get the e-vite, but i wanted to check. we need to have a huge f-ing bash. also, anyone find any fake mustaches yet. i asked over at urban outfitters and they looked at me like i was retarded.

III: i hear that you old piece of shit. spread the word to the different circles you travel in.  i’ll get some hizzoes as well. i think we can make it work if handled properly.

Lice: save some hizzoes for me III, you fucking bastard. haven’t seen you since ‘nam. has your penis fallen off yet after marinating it in the “special sauce” of Danvers pun?

Rub: Lice, you little bastard, are you working on saturday night? oak tree is going to tonic on thursday. i told him to start a fight and then start stomping bouncers.  beware of the tree.

Lice: yes, i am working saturday night.  everyone and their mother is having a party saturday night.  look forward to seeing that tall fuck.  id like to see him try and stomp some bouncers.  ill de-leaf his ass, then strip the bark of his roni and smoke it.  i love tree

Subject: Penis Enlarger
May 28, 2008

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Sylvio: Hernandez,
 
Did you send me that card?  I suspect that it was you.  I get my mail at the post office via PO box, so when I opened my box and took it out there was alot of people around.  I was like “what the fuck is this?”, “I didn’t order any penis enlarger!”  and then I read on the back that their “records indicated that I had a extremely small penis”  and I knew that it must be a hoax.  Good one, watch your back….
 
Ve’

Hernandez: Sylvio,
 
I know nothing of this card regarding your miniscule “willy.” I don’t know why you would blame me for that, as I am not in possession of any cards that have penis enlargers on them. Here I am, thinking our relationship is amazing after some heady email exchanges, and you drop this bombshell on me. What gives?
 
-Hernandez

Sylvio: Hernandez,

Have you realized that someone who is Mexican, or anyone who is fluent in Spanish for that matter, would pronounce your name with a silent “H”.  That would make phoneticly “air-nan-dez”, which after a temporary period getting used to, would be shortened to “air”, which is “ver”-y close to “Ver” your previous name. Is this coincidence, or your true style showing itself in another form?  Although, maybe you intend for it to be shortened to “Dez” or “Nan”.  “Nan” is where the accent is after all.

Line, Angle, Circle, Ve’

Hernandez: Syl,
 
It was me who sent the postcard!!! You probably knew that already. I got a bunch of them, for things such as shipments of Viagra, hemeroid cream, and blow-up dolls. You are the first I’ve heard to get one, which is disheartening, because I sent the rest out to people around here, and a few days before I sent yours. I think that the address label makes decent.
 
Funny about your last email – If I shortened up Hernandez, I’d like to be called “Hern”….kind of like a Grecian Urn.
 
Pronoun, Preposition, Adverb, Hernandez

Subject: A Desperate Plea
May 27, 2008

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Tubesteak: I write to you with extreme regret and uncertainty of my future.  It’s astonishing that I am even typing this email in lieu of recent events that have happened to me.  Unbeknownst to laws of matter and creation, I have somehow morphed into a chicken patty.

Let me begin by saying that I had a chicken patty for lunch yesterday, after my roommate, Helmet, explicitly ordered me to stay away from the aforementioned chicken patties.  You see, they were his chicken patties, and not mine.

I woke up this morning to find that my bed sheets had turned into a bun, most likely from Pepperidge Farm.  I can’t be sure of this, but by the texture and softness of the bun, I believe them to be Pepperidge Farm.

My penis has vanished, not to mention my arms and legs.  I have essentially become a round, golden brown patty, with no discernible features from my previous existence.

I can think and reason much like a rational human, but with no way to express these thoughts, I am, as I used to say to my sister, trapped like a rat.

Until it hit me.

If there was some way to get in touch with The Honorable Bunt, there may be a way out of this life.  So I write to you looking for answers and looking for hope. 

Bunt, I don’t want to be a chicken patty for the rest of my life!  What should I do?  What if I get eaten?  What if my girl dumps me?  What if I can’t boof anymore?

I will wait eagerly for your response, because for some reason, I feel that you can get me out of this.  And if worst comes to worst, maybe you could coach me in living life as a chicken patty.  Please get back to me soon. 

Also, let me know what you’re up to.

Sincerely,

Tube “the chicken patty man” Steak

Subject: Dot
May 23, 2008

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Helmet: What are the chances that Noozle comes back from India with a dot on his forehead?

Tubesteak: Slightly under 100 percent.
 
I’d say chances are better that he’s sporting a robe and turban…
 
Nooseman……..

Helmet: yeah, maybe.  i was totally picturing sylvio with a turban, his woman in the robe and noozle with the causal dot on his forehead.

Bunt: I can picture the Nooseman chillin on an elephant with Ve’s woman, both wearing robes and turbans with the Nooseman sporting the casual dot and a fake mustache.  And right below them Tarzan Sylvio hunting the Indian woods for the Siberian Tiger.

I hope they come back married.  Aren’t they with a blind guy too?

Helmet: blind indian sherpa, dotted nooseman, elephant, robes, turbans, tarzan, siberian tiger. 
 
if they AREN’T married (on some level) i’d be surprised.  they probably have a formal psychedelic, metaphysical “partnership” it place.

Bunt: They are definitely in the midst of some sort of metaphysical partnership!  I also agree that Nooseman is attracting to anyone with vision problems regardless of their sex.  Wait does this mean that he is attracted to Tarzan?  Or does his laser eye surgery make him unattractive to the Nooseman?  I need answers 

TubesteaK: As far as I can tell, the laser has exonerated Tarzan from Noozle’s intercourse wish-list.
 
Back in the day… Ve’ was on the wish-list.

Bunt: Didn’t they hook-up in high school?  Or was that the Body and Tarzan??

Helmet: the bod and tarzan had feuds in HS; i believe over wages the body owed tarzan.
 
i can’t see them hooking up but i could be wrong on this issue.

Bunt: Maybe that’s why they had fueds……

I love how Nooseman is a freak for the visually impaired!!  This is a great discovery on our part

Tubesteak: They’ve definitely hooked up. They may den it to their graves, but I know something went down that fateful night in the woods…

Helmet: the night in the woods behind my house?

one word for you gentlemen: magical.

Message Board: Formal Complaint
May 23, 2008

One In The Stink:  Someone has been trying to hack into the system and not only try to rearrange my roster, but complete shady deals with the likes of Fugazi and others.

I think Bunt is the only one with technical know-how to perform such a raunchy scam… Bunt or perhaps Rub.

Let it be known that one misstep and the hacker’s ass is grass. You may be able to hide behind wires and other internet cables for the time being, but raw power and a toned physique usually wins in those types of battles. In other words, “I win. You lose. Game over.”

I imagine this will be the first of many formal complaints I’ll issue this season. Let’s just hope that I don’t catch one of you with your pants down, and your shriveled up excuse for a penis in your hand.

Subject: Book
May 22, 2008

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Keith:

hey,  i kinda want to just go home and bundy-out, but want to meet up after work on thur and talk about the book?  then go to wally’s and have a bronson?  let me know.

 

how was nantucket?  did noozle “keep it in his pants?”

 

wow,

 

keith.

 

David:

Check out Oap and Sted!!!!!:

 

 

David:

I forgot to ask — are you doing great?

 

Keith

wow – i’m doing fantastic.  wally’s is out.  tonight i’m going to drop of my beat up rig and pick up a rental rig. 

 

These two are great:

 

David:

Great!  Wow! 

 

What rental are you getting?

 

Is your rig still messed from the rear end pounding you enjoyed so much?

 

Sometimes I miss just sitting down, turning on channel 28 and watching Neise

 

 

Keith:

i’ll probably get a hot convertible rig (hopefull a LeBaron).  if they don’t have a convertible then i’m getting an xterra or an explorer or another jeep (liberty).  yes, it’s always a good idea at first…then, well, you know…

Subject: Ronnie Ranoogae
May 22, 2008

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Mud: ronnie ranoogae?

III: Ranoogs here.

Mud: who are you, ronnie ranoogae?

 

III: RonnyRanoogae@massgokar.com – Director of Membership/Speed – Massachusetts Go-Kart Society

 

 

Mud: that’s right “director of membership/speed”  director of speed!  MGKS.  ranoogae!  we should email him something.  maybe a poem about his name: ronny ranoogae, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, ranoogae, hey hey hey….

 

III: Ooooh!! A bit feisty today, are we??

 

Why don’t we come up with with a poem that’s more original??

 

Perhaps you can write one verse, then I’ll add a verse, and so on.

 

Mud: me name is captain ranoogae

 

III: And I misplaced me spittoon,

 

Mud: And my bone is flaccid,

 

like the innards of a Rangoon,

 

III: But I don’t want your sympathy,

 

I’m still Director of Speed,

 

Mud: And if you discuss me little pecka

 

I’ll fuck your wife and fuck,

 

and fuck her good, indeed,

 

III: I’ll take her in me Go-Kart,

 

And reach illegal speeds, (For hip thrusting that is,)

 

I’ll go till she bleeds,

 

Mud: Once me peg leg is covered in blood,

 

I’ll call it a day,

 

III: I’ll shave the pubes that host lice,

 

And use them for a toupee,

 

Mud: If me junk falls off so be it,

 

A Ranoogae never quits,

 

III: I’m dating a fly woman right now,

 

She used to be Brad Pitt’s

 

Mud:  Krunk juice makes me irate,

 

I drink and drink and puke with my pants off,

 

III: Then I shit down the throat

 

of an unsuspecting imbecile,

 

Mud: Ronnie, Ronnie you so fly,

 

Ronnie, Ronnie you blow my mind.

Subject: Massachusetts Go-Kart Society Membership Confirmation
May 21, 2008

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III: Check out this organization I just joined…..

Dear III: Welcome to The Massachusetts Go-Kart Society!

You now have access to apply to any one of our eight Grand Prix races across the Commonwelath. Along with that, you’ll receive our bi-weekly newsletter and all our insider tips, training methods and state-of-the-art engineering tactics that have worked for every one of our 48 Grand Prix winners from the past six years!

Go to our website to learn more about what is available to our members
Email us through our Customer Service Inquiry Form Call us at 1-800-GOO-KART

Thank you again for joining The Massachusetts Go-Kart Society. At Mass Go-Kart,speed describes our races, but also our services and benfits..

Sincerely,

Ronny Ranoogae
Director of Membership/Speed

Massachusetts Go-Kart Society

Bunt: Do they hold meetings in Rochester?

Lice: most likely…..

Helmet: Lice, maybe they’ll allow you to join since your house is on wheels.  bunt, i think there’s a height requirment to go on go carts. you can’t reach the pedals so you cant join.

Hammer: Do you think they would let me join . . . I’m not from Rochesta and have a pretty mean driving record

Helmet: i don’t think you need a license to drive go carts, so you’d be in.

Bunt: Plus you’d be right at home in Rochester with your criminal record!

Lice: Whered noozle go by the way?

III: Noozle is probably christening the five-foot binger that he got on tour last fall.

Lice: hes probabaly doing his choke noise routine as we speak…..can someone come up with some spellin for that unique expression? 

oouugghhhiittttt!!!!!!!!!!???????

Helmet: hhwwaaaaggghhhhtttttt

Hammer: AAAACCHHHHHHAAAACCCHHHHH

Noozle: Its actually OOOOoiiight

Thank you all for clogging my inbox with quality material

Helmet: OOOOOoooiiggghhhttttt!

Subject: Dr. Attitude vs. Mr. Difficult
May 20, 2008

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Mud: what would happen if Attitude, MD met Mr. Difficult?

III: A strong attitude will prevail over any difficulty.  A love orgy usually results…

Mud: a super fantastic love orgy no doubt. 

III: When involved in an orgy, Attitude is Everything.

Mud: i hear that brother!  orgy attitude!

Subject: Tale of Geek Cities
May 20, 2008

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Tubby Smalls: i dont know if you’ll even get any enjoyment out of this, but this shit has has been a constant source of amusement for me and zombie zac and continuously makes us laugh our asses off….

out of all the weirdos/nerds who’ve ever come to the comic store where C works  to harass her, there is one who stands out the most:

Reid Harris Cooper aka Lord Rexington Fear [his stage name for his supposed career].

C’s boss calls him ‘Boy Frankenstein’ [and when he came in to the store saying he thinks he might also be into dudes, her boss started calling him “Bi Frankenstein”]….you will know exactly why they call him this when you see his photos. this guy is probably the fucking creepiest of them all [not counting the genuine psychopath who stalked C, who eventually got committed to a mental asylum after C and another woman he was harassing filed a restraining order against him-but that’s a whole other story].

Anyhoo, as you will see from the below online posting, this guy’s even an outcast amongst all the other comic nerd 30-year old virgins who live in their mothers basements……..the below is an online excerpt about him, regarding a time he made an attempt to crassly hit on the girlfriend of one of the other members of the new york city nerd community, and what ensued. this story inspired me and zac atac to aspire to go to a comic convention to take photos of nerds partying down and rumbling to make paintings of. I thought you might enjoy, it’s fucking psychotic! see what happens when nerds take on the creed of “all is fair in true love and war” and battle it out to death on their online blogs:

http://www.shortandhappy.com/fatrexfear.htm

Subject: If This is Real, This is Sick
May 19, 2008

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Jay:  http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/tix/370094840.html

 

i just emailed this pecka head.  if this is true we should split these up in 4 and make it happen.

 

playoffs!

 

i’ll let you know what he says

 

Sr: FLAGGED

 

Jay: Totally

Cam:  What did the posting say? Did you get HAD?

Sr: It said you could get free seasons if you go to the game with “my little cammy.”

Cam: YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!

Jay: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Subject: Stink Rat
May 19, 2008

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III: Hey StinkRat,

I just found out that I was at the Wave a couple weeks ago shoving my balls in Sylvio’s dad’s face. While I was a few Bronson’s deep, I don’t recall such a heinous act.

I wonder where Sylvio got that information. DO YOU KNOW?!?!?!

Helmet:  YES I DO.

i wrote: “oh, we saw your dad at the wave a couple weeks ago (III was black out drunk showing everyone his ball sack, but i think he kept it together when we were talking to your dad).”

and you yourself said you were blacked out at the wave so you wouldn’t recall shoving your balls in syl’s dad’s face if you did, even though you did not.

III: Ya know Helmet? DO YOU? DO YOU?!?!?!?! DO YOU!!??!!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

He said I was showing his Dad my brain. Then his old man supposedly flashed his brain back at our table. DID YOU TELL HIM THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! DID YOU?!?!?!?!

Helmet: i freaking told you exactly what i said.  that was taken directly out of my email. stop using big fonts with me, boy.

III: So you didn’t say that I flashed my “brain” to his old man, and his Dad flashed his “brain” back to us??

Helmet: have you lost your god damn mind!  the quote that i put in the previous email re: you showing your nutsack, is exactly what i said to Syl.  any exaggeration of the aforementioned nutsuck talk is solely the responsibility of someone else.

III: I oughtta rip your brain to shreds.

Helmet: i think you need to call dr. attitude:

or you could call the attitude doctor, or the attitude doc http://www.theattitudedoctor.com/ or
http://www.theattitudedoc.com/

III:  Wow, that is a more crowded space than I thought. Yet there remains only one of these men that is SUPER-FANTASTIC!

(that don’t mean I ain’t gonna rip out yo’ brain!)

Helmet: as long as you’re super fantastic about it! someone may be verging on copyright infringement here.  who is the real dr. attitude?  maybe he should be dr. super-fantastic!

III: Keith Harrell is the man — the others are impostors. No question about it.

Helmet: dr. attitude is probably well aware of his competitors.  i wonder if he thinks they are super-fantastic?

Subject: TGIF IV
May 16, 2008

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Helmet: The original TGIF lineup ran Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, Just the Ten of Us, Family Matters.

deron_mcbee11.jpg:  Cool.  Is that just interesting info?

Helmet: indeed.  what’s new sylvio?  i haven’t seen you in quite some time, yeah?  give your woman my best.  HELMET

deron_mcbee11.jpg:  Yes, my life as of late has been nice.  Although I’m not in the Tri-Town, summer has been ok thus far.  I have been working alot so not too much time to chill.  I’m living in LA for the summer, working at UCLA, and smoking lots of Buddha. 

Went to San Diego recently and chilled with Image and Drew.  That was a fucking wild night!  Went to see Rusted Root at the House of Blues in Hollywood the other night, going to the Dodgers game on Tuesday. 

But the real big event in my life thats coming up is India.  We are leaving on August 1, for 3 weeks.  After that I’ll be back in the northeast to go to Nova Scotia and Sebago Lake for Labor day.  So we will be doing some laid back style chillin there.  If you want to come to Nova Scotia for a week before that and stay at my parents house on the island, with Me, my brother and my Dad, you are welcome.  And for that matter, if any of our boys want to go, open invitation.

Alright dude, Im gonna go eat this pill that I found in the pocket of a jacket that I bought at a thrift store in Santa Monica the other day.
 
PS- What is new in Helmet’s World?

Helmet: that all sounds amazing!  i’d love to go out to diego and see those guys.  i hear image is quite the pizza maker nowadays.  is noozle making it a threesome vacation?  you guys are vacation buddies. 

oh, we saw your dad at the wave last weekend (III was black out drunk showing everyone his ball sack, but i think he kept it together when we were talking to your dad).

Subject: Toad The Wet Sprocket
May 16, 2008

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Keith:  “All I want.”

David:  David Here!!!

 “All I want is to feel this way, to be this close, to feel the same!! All I want…”
 
Great call with that one, Keith! Is that you and your woman’s song???

Keith: Actually, David, I was kind of thinking it could be our song: Keith, David and Ron’s song….

David: Keith – Wow, what another great call!!! I’m loving the idea of the three of us having our own song!
 
On a side note – I think I’m going over to Wally’s this evening if either of you guys are interested in joining! Keith, what are you up to this weekend?

Keith: David — TELL ME ABOUT IT!

i could be into it tonight. 

tomorrow i’m going to a restaurant opening in hingham.  free grizzle.  saturday festivals b day, so i may drink with him at night  i think that’s it.

you? 

ron?

David: I plan to going home to enjoy some nice weather, beach, golf, steaks, and broads.

Ron: I could be down for Wally’s this evening.  i need to try to get some work done first but possibly for like 9 or 9:30.  i don’t know that song, but i like the idea of having a song.

David: I’m going out with some friends from work and plan on heading to Wally’s afterwards. Should be around 9ish. Did you guys get my EVite?  I thought it may legitimize the scene.

Keith: got it and responded accordingly

Ron: Whats going to legitimize things is when Hammer bites it off your deck again and his shirt gets torn to pieces.

give me a ring later tonight, and hopefully i can make it over there.

Subject: Hey Guys
May 16, 2008

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Keith:  hey guys, just wanted to say HI.  KEITH

David:  Wow! Hey! David here! Thanks for the greeeting Keith! What a great way to start the day! Good morning to both of you! Did either of you get laid last night?

Keith:  i didn’t : ( KEITH

David: : (  is right!!!

I got laid six ways to Sunday!

Subject: Hey!! It’s me, David!!!
May 15, 2008

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III: I was thinking about my new name (David), and thought it may be fun to give you guys some new names.
Here they are:

  • Bunt: Darrell
  • Brother: Aaron
  • Noozle: Daniel
  • Helmet: Keith
  • Rub: Ron
  • Lice: Martin
  • Suave: Howard
  • Sylvio: Leon
  • Hammer: Horace

What do you guys think of these names?  Perhaps they could work, perhaps not.  Let me know.

Bunt: Hey guys, Darrell here.  I was wondering if I could just change the spelling of my name to Daryle.  I feel it’s more appropriate.  Let me know what you think.

Daryle

Helmet: daryle, that is sooo gay.
regards,
keith.

Lice: Wasn’t there a little ratty kid from in Jr. High named Martin?

Helmet: i wouldn’t mind being called: joel or rodge, which is short for “roger”

Noozle: Lice, Didnt you bang Martin’s sister?

Rub: Daniel, Wasn’t she the one who used to eat her hair.  I think Keith told me that one time.  Did  you bang her Martin?   Howard isn’t your dog’s name Martin?

Ron

Lice: Ron,

Yes I did.

Martin

Sylvio: Hey Leon Here.  Just checking in with you guys. 

Helmet: doesn’t elton jon sing a song titled “leon?”  is it a coincidence that leon was also called elton at one time? 

III: HEY GUYS!! DAVID HERE!!!!
 
I don’t know if Sir Elton sang a song called “Leon”. Maybe you’re thinking about the song “Tiny Dancer”. If not that one, you’re probably thinking of “Rocket Man” — both great songs in their own right.
 
From,
David 

Suave:  Hey guys this is howard.  I was grounded from the internet cause of you guys makin fun of my dog.  Any way I like our new name and will do my best to use them. 

Subject: Oh NO
May 15, 2008

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Helmet: no no no no no no no no no no

rob-mother fucking-lowe, was at the c’s game last night!

Tubesteak: YES!!

Tubesteak: I thought it was pretty cool, no?

Helmet: oh, no, i don’t mean it like that….

i guess i should have said: “OH NO YOU DI’ENT!”

Tubestek: Dude — Nice win for the C’s last night!!!! Perhaps Rob Lowe brought them good luck!

Subject: Nickname Propostion
May 15, 2008

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Mud:  The Human Ferret….Is that funny?

III: I like it.  I feel like I’ve heard it before.  Have I?  Have you?  Have we?

Mud: I don’t think so.  I was watching this hilarious documentary about ferret owners on PBS last night.  Really disturbing shit.

III:  I guess it just sounds familiar

Subject: Ranch Tooth
May 14, 2008

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Helmet: ranch tooth.

Tubesteak: What ever happened to that dude anyway??

Helmet:

Subject: Oh Yeah, Fuck Me With a Carton!!!!
May 14, 2008

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III: This email is serious.  The women in my family click their mouse to Regis Philbin.  NO LIE!

 

Helmet: this email is serious.  philbin is a clown and randy johnson has no pecka. 

 

III:  The Big Unit??? I know you ain’t tryin to diss (RJ) (Randy Jackson)!! (Idol Judge) & (cigar lover) + (peace maker) and (peace giver) and finally…………LOVE MAKER!!! (by the way, this email is serious)!!!!

 

Helmet: i disagree with your equation

Subject: Trouble
May 13, 2008

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Tubesteak:  Sr, you’ve been on the run for long enough — and it looks like they’re on to you.
 
I’M TURNING YOU IN!!!

Helmet:  i’ve heard about that guy (sr).   i think my sister has some inside info.

Sr:  Oh she does.

Helmet:  is that a question or a statment you son of a bitch!!!!!!!!?

Sr:  statement

Helmet:  NOT TASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: Tastiest
May 13, 2008

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Helmet:  i’m listening to a ray lamontagne concert on NPR. the anouncer just commented on the drumming as such; “that is some of the tastiest drumming i have ever seen”

tasty is heady.

Tubesteak: tasty nuggets!! It’s funny you say that, cause I just downloaded some of that dude’s music the other day

Helmet:  WOW, that’s tasty.

Tubesteak:  I imagine “The Maine Slop-Out” will be pretty tasty too!

Helmet:  it’s gonna be one tasty slop fest.

Tubesteak:  I’m sweating (in an erotic way) just thing about it…mmmmm TASTAY!!

Helmet:  i’m listening to some tasty shit right now.  not as tasty as trey, but tasty nonetheless.

Tubesteak:  tasty sounds like something trey and his groupies might say.  My girl has a foot fetish.

Subject: The Story of Creation
May 12, 2008

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III:  Before I get into this, please, don’t be offended.  This is simply my version of the creation story.  Everyone has their own version………

It all began about a few hours ago when I woke up humping my bed trying to close out the tail end of my now nightly wet dream.  Unable to seal the deal, and hearing my mother and sister walking around, I silently prayed for meaties.  Much to my dismay, the craving was thrown right back in my face.  When I told others that I needed meaties, my mom and sister both said at the same time, “Cook your fuckin own meaties!”

With my johnson finally getting shorter, I decided it was time to walk around.  I looked at my mother and sister and smiled.  If they weren’t cooking me meaties, then I was gonna stink up the house.  “I’m stinkin up this joint,” I told them.  “Do you hear me?  I’m gonna fuckin stink this god damn joint up!”

With me looking conflict straight in the eye, I defiantly marched into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me.  “Fuck yes!!!!” I screamed.

My doo doo came in bunches.  Different shapes and sizes, even different textures.  There was no corn though.  Regardless, having to wipe would be no easy task.  My bumbum was covered in the previously mentioned waste, not to mention the toilet water that resulted from my doo doo’s velocity.

Taking great care with each wipe, I realized that I wasn’t quite finished, and sat back down on the toilet.  “Get the fuck outta there!” I heard coming from outside the bathroom.

Again, I began to wipe and wipe and wipe, until finally, on my seventh wipe I discovered a revelation.  My doo doo remains looked exactly like……what was it…..OH YES!  Now I see.  It was American Idol Judge Randy Jackson.  Oh yes, Randy Jackson.  Fuck Yes Bro.  And thus, he was created.

   

 

Chat: Lies
May 12, 2008

 

 

P Time: everyday is a great day to be alive….when my gentleman friend arrived last evening on self-proclaimed “negro-time” (i.e. 11:30 rather than originally discussed 9:30) i had already sunk 3/4 bottle of malbec and smoked a blunt to my head.

 

i lied and told him that my friend came over for a glass of wine. 

 

im sure my glossy eyes and slurred speach didnt give me away a bit then we drank a whole other bottle and smoked more….as a result i think i forgot many segments of our sexy time

 

the bruises all over my body tell the story though

 

Bug: hahahah you lied saying it was your friend!!  You are so funny!!!

 

P Time:  yes- how psycho is that?  wanna know the worst part…

 

in my state of blunted’ness i thought my story would only be convincing if there was another wine glass out.

 

so i put one out.

 

then i realized i was drinkin red and there was no trace of red in the mystery glass, so i poured a splash from my glass into it….i wasnt going to offer this info

 

Bug: you did not put another glass out!! HAHAHA you are so sly.  I love your stealth ways

 

P Time:  but i knew Q was gonna find me there at home all loopy and bust my chops…so i wanted to be prepared

 

Bug: you did not pour in a splash.  haahahah I could die right now.  you are sooo effin redic.  I love love love

 

P Time: of course he did just that and i stuck to my story…i even made up a name for my “friend”:  Nicki…totally gender-neutral

 

im so weird….

 

Bug: NIKKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA
DYING!!
DYING
DYING

 

P Time: the best part is i think he assumed nicki was a boy for some reason cause he got that cute jealous look on his face and said to me “well i hope NICKY enjoyed getting you drunk”

i shamefully basked in the glory of the situation…

i think i did at least….i was insane high.

 

Bug: stop!!!  And you didnt correct him cause that nikki was originally a fake LADY!!!??  OMGG OMG OMG – cause you liked the jealous look in his eye

 

you are so creepy.  its makes me so proud.  you are so good at improve.  I like do not know how to lie with a straight face.

 

P Time: im starting to  think i have been a sociopath my whole life but am just starting to hone in on my powers.

 

Bug: I even lie when you spend overnight about the fake hours i say we got home… and then end up telling him it was really 8am hahaha

 

Cause i can’t hold it in

Dont lie to me promise?  never?  i am so gullible I will believe everytthing and everything

I even believed my friend ryan who was just as hung as me this morning and he said he came straight to the office from marquee… that they let him stay in a sneaky room, and he had to lock up on the way over,… I believed it and he didn’t tell me he was lying till later….

 

P Time:  i mean- it was the most blatant lie.  it went like this:

 

Q:  hey girl…(gives me kiss, tries to lift me up by my butt at which point i stumble a bit)…oooh- looks like someone’s been doing some drinking…
P:  oh yeah…im a lil tipsy.
Q:  you been drinking here?…by yourself….?
P:  hahha.  no.  absolutely not.

…with a friend.

Q:  really baby? (still frenching/ being 3rd degreeish but in a flirty way)
P: my friend nicki- yup…me and nicki
(didnt skip a beat…gestured to imaginary friend’s red- wine- laced glass on my counter)

 

i would never lie to you.  only boys.

 

Bug: hahah

 

P Time: and only boys who i am certain have lied to me in the past.  i serve up justice to the best of my abilities.

 

Bug: I bet you even put on lipstick and sipped the glass for lip marks!

P Time: ahahahah- no. that would destroy my gender neutral concept
 
Bug: oh I forgot.  god youre so on point!

Subject: TGIF III
May 9, 2008

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Helmet:  The original TGIF lineup ran Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, Just the Ten of Us, Family Matters.

Fest: What?

Helmet: just an FYI

Fest: Thanks man!

Helmet:  you got it

Subject: TGIF II
May 9, 2008

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Helmet: The original TGIF lineup ran Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, Just the Ten of Us, Family Matters.

       

Tubesteak: Harry Duffield Stovey, born Harry Duffield Stowe (December 20, 1856 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – September 20, 1937 in New Bedford, Massachusetts), was a Major League Baseball player for the Worcesters (1880-1882), Philadelphia Athletics (1883-1889), Boston Reds/Beaneaters (1890-1892), Baltimore Orioles, (1892-1893), and Brooklyn Grooms (1893).

A great home run hitter, Stovey was one of the first players to slide feet-first. He also was the all-time leading home run hitter until Roger Connor broke his record in 1895. Babe Ruth later broke Connor’s record of 138 in 1921.

Subject: TGIF
May 9, 2008

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Helmet: The original TGIF lineup ran Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, Just the Ten of Us, Family Matters.

Mamula: What the hell are you talking about Helmet?

Helmet: Just an FYI