Subject: Laguna Beach Banter


email-icon.jpg  (from the archive)

P-Time: Hey III, What’s happening?

i’m over your sister’s place and i asked her to hit me with your e- mail address.  What’s new?  there is tons i’d like to know about your life right now: what you’re doing, who you’re rolling with, what bean-town life is like compared to NYC, etc… but most importantly- now that summer has faded and the kids at laguna beach are officially closing their yearbooks and embarking on lives as D-list celebs, all i really want to know is how you are taking this major transition from youth to adulthood.

i have had the luxury of peeping an e- mail you wrote to “mud”. It was an official laguna reflection, which i must say has yet to be topped by any and all of the great southern california spectators i’ve met in my time on this earth.  In response to your thoughtful words, i would like to leave you with my general sentiment about the entire show.  men and women break down into two types–they  battle  morality, standards, grace and style.  This division is perhaps the single most significant piece of insight that i will take with me when the last wave has broken and i must decide whether to venture out college in san francisco or party it up in cabo cabo cabo, just because it feels so right. 

the division goes like this:

The kristen’s/ the L.C.’s

The stephen’s/the trey’s.

for each sex, i think it is clear to a professional such as yourself, who indeed represents the fun-loving nature of orange county, be it desire to do shots and fear no man– be it an effort to protect citizens of one’s community, by throwing a charity event with class. 

i think of these special humans as the kristen’s and trey’s of the world. 

believe me, i cannot deny the shining moments for those LC’s and steven’s out there.  we have watched them grow a backbone and deny the embrace of a toxic romance.  we’ve seen them play the game with two extremely hot, young ladies…

nothing changes the reality that there is a clear difference.  being part of this experience must make one consider upon which side of the spectrum he/ she  considers him or herself to fall.  i would like to believe that Kristen has convinced me of the power of feminism, the intrigue of womanhood, the delightful whimsy of absent youth. 

I will allow you to please enlighten me on who has taught you this season.  if trey is not your type and you find that you connect more with perhaps deiter, j-wall or even talan, i won’t hate, but i think it’s clear and safe to state that impressions have been made, personalities have impacted our lives, and each of us will proudly take a piece of sunny california with us into our respective, cold winters.

III: Ah yes, P-Time, great to hear from you.

Boston is jovial as the indian summer continues to bless it’s inhabitants.  Jobless, I remain in good spirits, with the continued hope that I will soon be working a job that quenches my intellectual curiosity, and alas, is enjoyable.  I hope you, my sis, and others are remaining upstanding young graduates of HWS amid the hustle and bustle that is NYC.

Your remarks upon this years conclusion of Laguna Beach were especially informed, and received with great appreciation.  While I have attempted to steer clear of Lagunes for good, your thoughts have provoked me to re-enter the game.  Call it overtime.  I compare it to spilling red wine on a new white rug, albeit accidentally.  So as the stain, (LB3, The Hills) will still be there, I will make one last attempt to clean the rug and my conscience.

The story of the season appeared to be of hard-to-tame Jason and his chronic reluctance to settle down with one lady.  As a result, the lovable Taylor became a virtual castaway in terms of who we saw on screen.  The volcanic Alex M., unfortunately, became a central character.  Alex’s irritable emotions, coupled with her often prickly attitude towards others left a sour taste in many a viewers’ mouth.  And then, of course old reliable LC comes into the picture.  Forgive her, as she may have been unaware of Jason’s prior liasons.  But she too, fell right into the trap.  Amid the chaos, the large chested Jessica became somewhat of an enigma.  Clearly, Jason toyed with her emotions, and more clearly, Jessica had strong feelings for Jason. 

These different relationships revolving around Jason played themselves out in front of America.  But what do I, one single American take away from this charade?

One, Jason is an old bastard.  Confused, protected, shy, unsure are some adjectives that come to mind, along with bearded.  But what came of Jason and his love rectangle can tell us a little about ourselves and our relationships.

As you saw the Stephens and Kristins of this world in a negative way, I see the Jasons and Alexs in an equally darkened manner.

Kristin and Trey aside, (although Trey’s fundraiser was too amazing!), the four characters in the love rectangle dominated what the viewers saw.  Even if there were other happenings, (fashion show, LC’s end of summer BBQ, Cabo, Cabo, Cabo) the love rectangle always snaked it’s way to the forefront.  It is these (forgive the expression) drama queens that take the spotlight from more reputable, down-to-earth, characters like Polster, Stephen, and of course Taylor.

What I am trying to get across is that kids like 50 cent because he kills and swears and has done some time.  Kids don’t like Yani, for instance, because he isn’t crazy enough, or dramatic enough despite being infinitely more talented……or shall we say Talan-ted.  What we need is more Talan, more Deiter, more people that make the clock tick, and less of the attention grabbers that offer little more than desperate pleas to remain in the spotlight.

Alas, there are always those attention seekers.  There are always going to be the Jasons and Alexs with little to no compassion for their peers.  But America will watch them, just as they watched Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, 80’s hairbands and now watch 50 cent.  They’ll watch Bob Saget in his prime, and mull over Brad and Angelina’s relationship.  Remember though, it’s a show about rich high school kids.  And all the drama makes for good TV.

Will I watch LB3, or The Hills?  The answer is no.  Me, I’ll be listening to Yani, (or at least someone of substance) and reading a good book.

I hope my response was satisfactory.  Best Wishes to you…

Mud: III, The young lady made some interesting observations and I would love to elaborate on her hypothesis, however, I have deleted the email and cannot recall her thesis.

Regardless, I enjoyed reading her piece and would be obliged if you forwarded my praise on to her. That said, my aforementioned emails to you will no longer take the same shape. I will no longer delve into the philosophical undertones of the show, its characters, or Laguna beach culture. I will simply describe the show for what it is. Plain and simple. No theories. Facts only.

Let me get this out of the way because I know your thinking it right now. Fact number one. The show needs more Polster. Even dumbass Kristen knows that Polster is in. You’re right Kristen, Polster is hot right now. Why isn’t McG producing this show? If he was this wouldn’t have been overlooked.

Fact number two. LCs dad, commonly known as Mr. Helmet Head, is clearly making bank off of these rich little suckers. Now we have LB III staring LCs sister. Give me a break man. A) No LB will ever top last year. NEVER. B) Rich old men are realizing that they can put there daughters little boobies on TV, turn them into the aristocrats of our society, and make even more loot. Undoubtedly driving them to stardom. Coked up stardom, anorexic, disgusting stardom. See Nicole Richey, Paris Hilton, et al.

Three. “Tre” is cool but he is not heady. This is an oxymoron and a major dilemma for me personally…Having gone to school in Burlington and all.

Fact four. Jessica has pretty decent meat and if Jason wasn’t a flaming homosexual he would have abused those things all night long.

Five. Jason clearly has gay relations with Cedric. If I see Cedric in a pair of tighty whities or hear Jason say “you’re cute” one more time I will definitely throw up.

Fact number five. III, my friend, you are not and never will be Talan. I know this is a source of anxiety for you but you must get over it.

Well…I don’t know…Maybe not my best piece, but there is something that can be said of this long viewing year of the LB… Jerry would be very very disappointed in all of us. That is a major source of anxiety for me.

With that I bid you and your “PC” friend adieu as I will not be accompanying you on the viewing voyage of the LB III or The Hills. Nothing can compare to last year so why even try.

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