Archive for April, 2008

Subject: Plans for Friday?
April 27, 2008


Brother: Dear Nugget Pouches,

I will be in Boston on friday, and sat. I was wondering what all of you were doing. i would like to get together and partake in a drinking contest with you all so that i may feel the pleasing effects of alcohol. I know many of you are busy with, law school, new jobs, new girls, racketeering and such but I would really like to see my friends

Hope all is well

Tubesteak: It’s T for Texas, yes and it’s T for Timbuktu!!!!! That means that I plan on being in Boston this weekend, and would love to get together. Hopefully as the week progresses we can get some plans to mterialize.

Hope some other heads are interested too!!!!!


Helmet: i am going to blow this fucking guy up!

please see the list of “gay bands.” i’m irate beyond belief:

Brother: Dude that was one disturbing ass web site. Jesus freaks are lame.

Helmet: that guy is hanging out with us on friday.

Tubesteak: Have you spoken to anyone about plans for Friday?

Helmet: people have suggested i have a party, but i’m not sure i want to do that.

Tubestak: We could hang at my place, maybe go out from there? A nice dinner perhaps? I just wanna hang with you guys, as long as I don’t get crabs.

Helmet: i’ve been giving everyone crabs lately so i can’t promise anything. i’d party at your house. let me know…


You got anything planned for tonight with yo BABY???

Helmet: dinner. then she is to working on my device for a while.

Tubesteak: you got a broken device or something?

Helmet: no. she is going to “work” on my device. sorry i forgot the “”…. my device is competing on an extremely high level right now.

Tubesteak: Your device is probably at the level I was at in 1st grade. No offense…..

Helmet: OFFENSE TAKEN you son of a bitch

my device is to bruce lee as your device is to the karate guy on the nintendo game “kung-fu”

my device

your device


My Roni:

Your Roni:





My Lizard:

Your Lizard:


there’s me:

and there’s you:

what’s the plan for tomorrow?




I LOVE THIS GAME!!!  I could go on for days!!  Anyway, I don’t know what the plans are.  I kinda want to get a bite and some bronsons.  I’ll start something up on email.


it is great isn’t it.










my gorilla:

your ant:


Chat with Golf
April 25, 2008

me: range?

Golf: what time?

me: you tell me

Golf: meet there at 6

i don’t usuall get done until around 6, but I will stop early for the range

me: leave your place at 5:30

Golf: yeah

me: i’ll leave here at 5:30

Golf: i’ll bring your putter

me: don’t have my clubs so….will be using yours

oh yeah def bring that f’ing putter

Golf:  Ok

me: sick sick sick sick sick

Golf: i’ll meet you there


me: peesh

Golf: canceling driving range

sorry bro

me: why

me: you get to that range, boy.

i don’t wanna hear any bs excuses from you.

i know work is not your excuse so don’t even go there with me

you get to that range

you get there



Golf:  I’ll be there.


me:  6pm. 

Subject: Guru Protection
April 25, 2008



Golf:  That guy is a loser. He is probably a Philly fan or something. Pathetic. If you aint cheatin you aint tryin.

Tubesteak:  Bob Cook is gonna wish he never wrote that..

Once he sent it in, he was probably like, “Oh crap. My scene is finished.”

I’d actually be surprised if he isn’t dead already.

Tubesteak:  I’ve been trying to get in touch with this Bob Cook guy for some time. I can’t find any contact info. Can you locate this degenerate for me?

Helmet:  you could try and have him added to you linked in contacts and then send him hate mail.
he also writes for flak magazine.  this is his email associated with that company:

Tubesteak:  Are you on linked in? I signed up, but I never use it. I’m gonna send something to his flakmag email. It’s not gonna be pretty…

Helmet:  i think lice got me in.  i never use it either, but i’m on there.   i can’t wait to see it.  what a jerk that guy is.  you are like the guru’s bodyguard.

Tubesteak:  I wanna make it sound very angry and rude… but I don’t wanna come off as a lunatic or some fanatic. I may dig into his archives cause I have a feeling this guy is a frequent dickhead.  Lice got me into that to…

Helmet:  he is a frequent dickhead…that’s a good phrase, you should use that…

it would be nice if you could find some dirt on him and some good shit on belichick and critique his character with it.

Tubesteak:  my life’s mission…

You ever go to this site? 
There’s some good things here.

Helmet:  of course.


Subject: I’ll Need this by the End of the Day
April 25, 2008



x 9

x 2

x 3

x 8

x 7

x 5

x 5

x 2

x 4

x 3

x 1

x 1

x 2

x 8

x 5

x 4

x 4

x 2

x 2

x 1

x 4

x 1

x 1

x 3

x 5

Nooze: You can see Mr Parquette, my 6th grade math teacher.  I believe I got a 100% on this assignment.  He should have this for you.

Lice: ????????????????

Helmet: i can’t fucking do that

Subject: PopeMobile
April 20, 2008


Dr.:  I can’t wait to see the Pope Mobile.

helmet: what the hell is a pope mobile?

Dr.: Oh–when John Paul 2 was in the US there was an assassination, so they made this ridiculous looking plexiglas thing on wheels that was called, officially, the Pope-mobile.

helmet: you mean this rig?

Dr.: WHOA–forget JPII–Benedict is a HIGH-FLYIN Pope–that’s a Mercedes!!  Good for him.  It used to look like kind of like a Plexiglas box on wheels.  This thing is STYLIN!  Note the two flags in front and what looks like a little emblem of the Vatican on the side.  That is absolutely stellar.  I cannot look at it without burting out laughing that is one of the funniest looking things I have ever seen.

helmet: i’ve included kim on this email to help you get with the times old man.  looks like someone pimped out the pope’s ride!  if you google image: pop mobile you’ll see that old SOB travels in style: mercedes, land rovers and b’mers only for the pimp ass pope.  kim, please confirm.

kim: confirm what?

helmet: you are young and hip, please confirm that the pope is in-fact a dope ass pope and not just a run of the mill pope.

kim: are you kidding. this job has made me a certifiable grannie. im in bed at 8-830.

Dr.: Yep, gotta beat the traffic.  God, Massachusetts is awesome.

helmet: dude, your middle name is beat the traffic.

maybe you should get a driver and a a la the popmobile and get driven to work in a little plastic cube…maybe even put a computer in there and you could work on your way to work.  oh man, i can’t stop lauging picturing dr. in the popemobile.

Dr.: The word popemobile makes me laugh.  I would never get driven around in one.  It’s a good thing they’re bullet-proof: the mere sight of one must awaken homicidal drives in 90% of humans world-wide.

helmet: we should have the cheeseteak popemobiled up here on Friday.

Dr.: Dude, I’m not stepping near a pope-mobile.

helmet:  FYI:  “Mercedes-Benz 230 G Popemobile ”

“In 2002, Pope John Paul II requested that the media stop referring to the car as the Popemobile, saying that the term is “undignified”.”

“On June 6, 2007, a German man tried to jump into Pope Benedict XVI’s uncovered popemobile “

“The Mexican Papamóvil, for example, was brought out into the public during John Paul II’s funeral.”

“At some point during the 1980s, the pope-mobile was displayed at an event in England, however it was stolen by two young men and was never recovered.”

Dr.: Jesus, I’ve set off a firestorm.  I told you the pope-mobile was funny.  Papamovil is funnier, though.

helmet: not too mention there is a little old man sitting back there that thinks he’s god…

Dr.: HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yes, I forgot to mention that, as wel!

Subject: Randy Jackson Just Got Pulled Over for DD in Front of My House
April 18, 2008


LA Community Affiliate:  And I have video…

But its bad cell phone video.  I saw flashing lights outside on the street, went out to my balcony, saw a big black man with a bluetooth earpiece talking to the cops and recognized the voice–though I havent watched American Idol since Clarkson…
He was HAMMERED. Motherfucker…wish I’d had a telephoto lens…I was hiding beneath my balcony wall b/c he and the cops kept looking up my way. FUCK!  Shit drunk…and they let him go…drove off and he flipped a bitch and went back toward Doheney Dr. SHIT!  Will attach video/pics shortly….not like you can see anything, but believe me!

Subject: Important
April 4, 2008


Muff:  Dear Denver, Joh, Jay, and Bread,   (forward this to any others that are decent and know Shangs).

Boston’s Beloved Bartenders Issue for the Improper Bostonian is coming up – You can enter your favorite mixologist….So Decent.

Denver, can we get Tony in this issue or what???

These are the questions you have to answer and send to the the below address….I say we all come up with answers and someone can combine them all into a decent recommendaaaash.   DEADLINE – 4/21/08 

Let us Honor the Best. Who’s your favorite Bartender? Where does he/she work? Which night(s) does he/she work? What’s his/her signature drink? What makes him/her the best?

Your name / phone number / email Send to: Beloved Bartenders Improper Bostonian Magazine 142 Berkeley Street, 3rd Floor Boston MA 02116 or email –

Bread: I can think of no better idea.  Awesome!  Just tell me where to send my daaaaaash.

Jay:  the dark horse in the competition.  not your typical “boston’s best” but brings great joy the loyal patrons of shangs.  garfield, scorpeens, toothless.  hello michael, hello john….

Muff:  Sr:  “Hey Tony, can we get a chicken stick?”


Sr:  “Ya, and one order of the beef stick.”


Sr:   “Ya”

Tony:  “Crab Rangoons?”

Sr:  “Maybe later Tony”


Sr:  “Thanks Tony”

Denver: Great call on this. I’m just hoping the Improper will consider him, seeing how he’s not some smokin broad who works at Felt.

It’s gonna be all those types of broads and Tony!! Hilarious!

We should set a day to have all our material together before the collaboration begins.

Bread:  This would be seriously be the funniest thing since sliced BREEEEEAAAAAD!!!!!!  We have to make this happen.

Jay:  hello denvuah, hello chjay.


Muff:  But Tony, that is one of the only reasons I come here.  To Talk to O’Marrey. 

Subject: Decently Irate
April 3, 2008


Hey Anonymous Community Member,

I’m well aware of what you have been doing lately (showing my emails around, among other things); and thus want nothing to do with you ever again. It is quite apparent that you have no respect for me, which is unfortunate as I have done nothing to you to warrant such treatment. Your recent behavior has changed my perspective on you; you called yourself a jerk back in august, and I refuted it; now I can only agree. I didn’t hate you then, and I don’t hate you now (it’s not worth expending any type of energy twds you)-but please know that your presence is not welcome in my life, and future contact is no longer appropriate.

I have no idea why you felt the need to get in touch with me after so much time had passed, and I’m at fault for feeding into your bullsh*t in the first place. But, now, I just ask that it does not happen again; not six months from now, not ever. Delete my number (if your girlfriend hasn’t already done so) and forget you ever knew me.  

If I run into you randomly, I will be civil, as I have said what I need to say. It is not my intention to have things be awkward, and I hope that they won’t be. From the communication we’ve had, I gather things are going well for you, and I’m glad. I’m just sorry it turned out this way.

Take Care,

Anonymous (and safe to say not part of the decent community).

Subject: Laguna Beach Banter
April 1, 2008


email-icon.jpg  (from the archive)

P-Time: Hey III, What’s happening?

i’m over your sister’s place and i asked her to hit me with your e- mail address.  What’s new?  there is tons i’d like to know about your life right now: what you’re doing, who you’re rolling with, what bean-town life is like compared to NYC, etc… but most importantly- now that summer has faded and the kids at laguna beach are officially closing their yearbooks and embarking on lives as D-list celebs, all i really want to know is how you are taking this major transition from youth to adulthood.

i have had the luxury of peeping an e- mail you wrote to “mud”. It was an official laguna reflection, which i must say has yet to be topped by any and all of the great southern california spectators i’ve met in my time on this earth.  In response to your thoughtful words, i would like to leave you with my general sentiment about the entire show.  men and women break down into two types–they  battle  morality, standards, grace and style.  This division is perhaps the single most significant piece of insight that i will take with me when the last wave has broken and i must decide whether to venture out college in san francisco or party it up in cabo cabo cabo, just because it feels so right. 

the division goes like this:

The kristen’s/ the L.C.’s

The stephen’s/the trey’s.

for each sex, i think it is clear to a professional such as yourself, who indeed represents the fun-loving nature of orange county, be it desire to do shots and fear no man– be it an effort to protect citizens of one’s community, by throwing a charity event with class. 

i think of these special humans as the kristen’s and trey’s of the world. 

believe me, i cannot deny the shining moments for those LC’s and steven’s out there.  we have watched them grow a backbone and deny the embrace of a toxic romance.  we’ve seen them play the game with two extremely hot, young ladies…

nothing changes the reality that there is a clear difference.  being part of this experience must make one consider upon which side of the spectrum he/ she  considers him or herself to fall.  i would like to believe that Kristen has convinced me of the power of feminism, the intrigue of womanhood, the delightful whimsy of absent youth. 

I will allow you to please enlighten me on who has taught you this season.  if trey is not your type and you find that you connect more with perhaps deiter, j-wall or even talan, i won’t hate, but i think it’s clear and safe to state that impressions have been made, personalities have impacted our lives, and each of us will proudly take a piece of sunny california with us into our respective, cold winters.

III: Ah yes, P-Time, great to hear from you.

Boston is jovial as the indian summer continues to bless it’s inhabitants.  Jobless, I remain in good spirits, with the continued hope that I will soon be working a job that quenches my intellectual curiosity, and alas, is enjoyable.  I hope you, my sis, and others are remaining upstanding young graduates of HWS amid the hustle and bustle that is NYC.

Your remarks upon this years conclusion of Laguna Beach were especially informed, and received with great appreciation.  While I have attempted to steer clear of Lagunes for good, your thoughts have provoked me to re-enter the game.  Call it overtime.  I compare it to spilling red wine on a new white rug, albeit accidentally.  So as the stain, (LB3, The Hills) will still be there, I will make one last attempt to clean the rug and my conscience.

The story of the season appeared to be of hard-to-tame Jason and his chronic reluctance to settle down with one lady.  As a result, the lovable Taylor became a virtual castaway in terms of who we saw on screen.  The volcanic Alex M., unfortunately, became a central character.  Alex’s irritable emotions, coupled with her often prickly attitude towards others left a sour taste in many a viewers’ mouth.  And then, of course old reliable LC comes into the picture.  Forgive her, as she may have been unaware of Jason’s prior liasons.  But she too, fell right into the trap.  Amid the chaos, the large chested Jessica became somewhat of an enigma.  Clearly, Jason toyed with her emotions, and more clearly, Jessica had strong feelings for Jason. 

These different relationships revolving around Jason played themselves out in front of America.  But what do I, one single American take away from this charade?

One, Jason is an old bastard.  Confused, protected, shy, unsure are some adjectives that come to mind, along with bearded.  But what came of Jason and his love rectangle can tell us a little about ourselves and our relationships.

As you saw the Stephens and Kristins of this world in a negative way, I see the Jasons and Alexs in an equally darkened manner.

Kristin and Trey aside, (although Trey’s fundraiser was too amazing!), the four characters in the love rectangle dominated what the viewers saw.  Even if there were other happenings, (fashion show, LC’s end of summer BBQ, Cabo, Cabo, Cabo) the love rectangle always snaked it’s way to the forefront.  It is these (forgive the expression) drama queens that take the spotlight from more reputable, down-to-earth, characters like Polster, Stephen, and of course Taylor.

What I am trying to get across is that kids like 50 cent because he kills and swears and has done some time.  Kids don’t like Yani, for instance, because he isn’t crazy enough, or dramatic enough despite being infinitely more talented……or shall we say Talan-ted.  What we need is more Talan, more Deiter, more people that make the clock tick, and less of the attention grabbers that offer little more than desperate pleas to remain in the spotlight.

Alas, there are always those attention seekers.  There are always going to be the Jasons and Alexs with little to no compassion for their peers.  But America will watch them, just as they watched Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, 80’s hairbands and now watch 50 cent.  They’ll watch Bob Saget in his prime, and mull over Brad and Angelina’s relationship.  Remember though, it’s a show about rich high school kids.  And all the drama makes for good TV.

Will I watch LB3, or The Hills?  The answer is no.  Me, I’ll be listening to Yani, (or at least someone of substance) and reading a good book.

I hope my response was satisfactory.  Best Wishes to you…

Mud: III, The young lady made some interesting observations and I would love to elaborate on her hypothesis, however, I have deleted the email and cannot recall her thesis.

Regardless, I enjoyed reading her piece and would be obliged if you forwarded my praise on to her. That said, my aforementioned emails to you will no longer take the same shape. I will no longer delve into the philosophical undertones of the show, its characters, or Laguna beach culture. I will simply describe the show for what it is. Plain and simple. No theories. Facts only.

Let me get this out of the way because I know your thinking it right now. Fact number one. The show needs more Polster. Even dumbass Kristen knows that Polster is in. You’re right Kristen, Polster is hot right now. Why isn’t McG producing this show? If he was this wouldn’t have been overlooked.

Fact number two. LCs dad, commonly known as Mr. Helmet Head, is clearly making bank off of these rich little suckers. Now we have LB III staring LCs sister. Give me a break man. A) No LB will ever top last year. NEVER. B) Rich old men are realizing that they can put there daughters little boobies on TV, turn them into the aristocrats of our society, and make even more loot. Undoubtedly driving them to stardom. Coked up stardom, anorexic, disgusting stardom. See Nicole Richey, Paris Hilton, et al.

Three. “Tre” is cool but he is not heady. This is an oxymoron and a major dilemma for me personally…Having gone to school in Burlington and all.

Fact four. Jessica has pretty decent meat and if Jason wasn’t a flaming homosexual he would have abused those things all night long.

Five. Jason clearly has gay relations with Cedric. If I see Cedric in a pair of tighty whities or hear Jason say “you’re cute” one more time I will definitely throw up.

Fact number five. III, my friend, you are not and never will be Talan. I know this is a source of anxiety for you but you must get over it.

Well…I don’t know…Maybe not my best piece, but there is something that can be said of this long viewing year of the LB… Jerry would be very very disappointed in all of us. That is a major source of anxiety for me.

With that I bid you and your “PC” friend adieu as I will not be accompanying you on the viewing voyage of the LB III or The Hills. Nothing can compare to last year so why even try.